If I were a Bluebird

I wonder what it is like to be a bird. To be able to fly high and low all in the same breath. To have your feet touch the earth, then soar above the treetops, allowing the wind to capture you in a moment of total loss of control, but by willingly going with it, it carries you along. To sing when you are not sleeping.

I wonder what it is like to be stream. Seemingly so insignificant, so subtle. Yet so powerful, and so resourceful. Being the one thing that can shape the existence of a stone. The healing power you can hold even for a human being to be next to. To be so simple and elemental and to have such a sense of amazement on something so complex as a human.

Just as a human sometimes wishes they were a bird, I wonder if a bird wishes they were a stream. Maybe a stream wishes to be a butterfly. Or maybe it is just humans who wish to be something they are not. What if all else around us is perfectly content being just what they are, and that in itself is what brings us such delight when we look upon them. There is an underlying peace to just ‘be’.

I am finding my heart all tangled up lately. I miss my mom so much. I can find my self comfortable doing what I am doing. My new job, its okay, ive only don’t it a few times, so I cant really judge yet. Its nice to be able to help people that I love, Bird & Jason, not the customers. So far, I have definitely seen that the majority of people don’t give a shit about a waitress, no matter how nice you are. I really don’t want this job to kill my spirit of people. I know its all in how I take. I just wish I knew what I was doing, like before. I hope I find something that inspires me to wake up in the morning. Something that doesn’t just feel like I am doing it because I need the money to pay the bills.

It will come.

I miss my dad too. Life keeps happening, like it always does. Now that I am not going to the shop everyday, or really at all, I don’t see him as much either. And for some reason we haven’t found much time to make for each other. My friends also. I haven’t seen Shelley and Elisabeth at all in a while! What the hell is happening. I just feel lost in a whirlwind of decisions, and nothing seems quite right.

Ive had the flu for the past few days. Im getting over it now. Gosh, it was aweful. First time getting really sick and not being able to call my mom. James took good care of me. I am out in tarpley pet sitting again. I love it out here. The birds are amazing, they are hanging out with me right now.

James got a new neurologist. He seems really good. We are changing his meds for the first time in 13 years. I am praying that it will help with his fatigue. He is tired all the time. Way more tired than he should be. I am worried about his health. I am going to try my hardest to learn how to cook veggies and things that he doesn’t like in a way that maybe he will. I get scared of him getting sick when we are our parents age, or even younger. I have been reading and learning a lot about health and nutrition, and cant help but feel the importance and impact it can make on our lives. Not even just for us, but for our children and their children. It is that important to me.

I am watching a bluebird nest. Outside the window, piece by piece, she is building her nest. It is starting to feel like spring time outside, i guess its time for action among the animals. I love it when things start buzzing around outside. James saw a huge boar on his way home the other day, so Ive been to scarred to go take a walk, i dont want to see a boar! Well, I do, just not alone!

Do you ever feel like you are looking too hard into something that you see right through what it is you are suppose to be seeing? I have a feeling I am doing that right. Ahhh, oh well.

I am feeling quite random.

I blew my nose so much that my top lip is chapped, ha ha!

I love the movie, 'Life as a House'.

I miss my husband. I miss our drives in the country. I miss feeling free. I miss laughing. I miss kicking back with friends.

I just feel a hole inside me right now. And no its not in my love life. i love my husband to death. Its my mom. I just miss her.

I love you mom.