Each year I think enough time has passed by, or enough inner growth has occurred, that come fall time I will feel free as a bird emotionally. It is my favorite time of year, hands down. I love the way the earth looks during Autumn, the colors on the trees, the fallen leaves, the fields of golds and browns. The not too hot or not too cold weather. The feeling in the air...
But at some point, usually around Halloween, a wave of sadness hits me. I know alot of it is simply missing my parents. But it feels deeper than that. It's like my body begins a process of going within and evaluating myself from the past year. My heart strings begin to pull over the past, people I can no longer talk to or touch, even people I have been. Old wounds begin to surface, letting me know I have not quite finished my business with them. Layers of myself begin to unpeel, and there are days I don't recognize the girl in the mirror.
This year has been no different. A month ago is when it started, though this time it looked more like a mini break down than depression. Or maybe breakdown is not the word... but the feeling of life slapping you in the face while screaming at you, WAKE UP! Changes need to be made. Old wounds need to leave your body. Bad habits need to be stopped. Your perspective needs some re-evaluating. Something is about to SHIFT.
The biggest message I got this time was to clear my home in order to clear my self inside. Start with my surroundings, and by doing so, I would begin to clear from within. I must say, in many ways it has been true. I guess b/c really taking time to clean deep gives you lots of time within yourself to think without distracting yourself with emails, work and to-do lists. It's been a slow process. It's taken me a whole month to clean out my house and I'm still only half way done.
I think my biggest shift this year has been the allowing. Usually when I start to feel this way I want to do whatever I can to run the other way. I submerse myself in work which is never hard with the holiday season. I think Ive been submersing myself in work for years now... One because I love what I do, yes, but also b/c it can easily be a distraction from self. This year work is the last thing on my mind, except that I do have to keep at it for bills... but I'm not mentally exhausting myself with details of it.
There are parts of myself that feel like a broken record at times. I'm so ready for that needle to lift and skip to the next beautiful song.