BREAKING SILENCE

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I love the water by our house at sunset.  We came here after an emotionally upsetting afternoon the other day.  We came down to our river access to dump our trash and I asked James if we could take a quick walk by the river before we went back home... I felt like I just needed to be close to the earth a little bit longer before going back to our house. 

Earlier we went to my parents house to clean out a shed that we will be moving to our house, and almost immediately after arriving to their land I felt myself well up with anger.  James asked me what was wrong within a few minutes of being there and I couldn't even look him in the eye or talk.  I was boiling.  He finally stopped me, made me look him in the eyes and tell him what was hurting me.  I burst into giant tears and finally expressed how angry I was that we were selling my parents home.  Up till then, I had only expressed sadness, but this was sadness and immense anger mixed in.  I told him how angry I was that everyone in my life has told me that we need to sell the place and that we shouldn't live there.  I know that hurt him, b/c he is one of the people.  But I couldn't hold it in any longer.  He held me and let me cry on his shoulder for as long as I needed to.  As much as I didn't want to release that, it felt so good to. 

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I took this photo down by our river on our walk afterwards.  I loved the way the sun was shining through my tear stained face.  The past year has riddled me with knowing what to do with my parents house.  My heart has been so torn with what I desire and what is feasible in reality, along with not being selfish with just my own feelings in the mix, b/c I am not the only person in my world.  Money has been an issue.  Emotions of my dad's suicide has been an issue.  But losing this piece of my heart has also been a big issue. 

People tell me all day long... its just house, your memories are in your heart.  just take lots of photos.  that was your parents dream, make your own.  the list goes on and on and on, and honestly... none of them make me feel better.  some of them even piss me off.  Im probably alot more attached to things than alot of people, I'm sentimental as $%&*.  Losing my parents was out of my hands, I couldn't control that.  And now even though I feel like I should be able to, I can't control this either.  It's been a long process, and as we really prepare to put the house up for sale, its becoming ever so real.  Moving the shed for some reason feels final.  It's a huge shed, and we are having to put up a good chunk of change just to get it to our house.  It feels like once we do this, there is no turning back.  I know that is not truth.. but there has to come a point where I feel content with this decision.  I need to get to a point where I can walk away feeling a weight lifted, a freedom, a release.  Right now, I just feel rage.  That is the best word I can use.  When I think of selling their home I feel my body clench and I want to put my fist through a wall.  (and this is not a feeling I feel about anything very often)...

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This may look gruesome to some... but these are some treasures I found while exploring in the woods while we were there.  I had to check out for a bit while we were cleaning the shed, so while James finished up I took a walk through the woods.  Everytime I do, I feel like Im in a magical world Im just discovering for the first time.  I keep finding spots in the woods I never knew growing up.  Or at least don't remember.  And trees.  Oh the trees Ive been finding.  I could get lost in the woods for hours.  I feel like my spirit bursts open when I'm in them. 

I wrote this on my facebook wall the day we went out there...

"Since I cannot afford the dream of living in the magical piece of the world that was once my parents... Today I start the dream of manifesting a new magical piece of the world that I can call my own. I dream of one day living in a home surrounded by the woods with places of wonder that I can go to reconnect on a daily basis. A place where my one day children can roam and learn about nature. A place where I can feel truly free to just be. I may not be able to afford it now, and I am opening up a HUGE hole in my heart by letting my parents property go... but I will one day fill it back up with this dream of mine."

I feel like this is what I have to hold onto right now.  This dream.  There has got to be another side to this story.

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