Daily Outfit >>> Jimi Hendrix

 It is raining outside.  Im listening to First Aid Kit.  Bella is sitting next to me.  It is peaceful.  Today I wore my daddies Jimi Hendrix tshirt.  I cut it up a bit to be a bit more girly.  He wore this shirt all the time when he was going out.  I always thought it was cute, it was his idea of a nice shirt.  And gosh he looked handsome in gray shades with his salt and pepper hair.  I told him how good he looked everytime he wore this shirt, maybe that is why he wore it so much.  I miss him everyday.  It is the oddest feeling in the world to walk this journey with no parents by my side.  Everything I do I want to call them and show them.  There are so many exciting things happening in my life right now, I just want to jump up and down and talk ninety miles an hour to my mom.  And hear my dad say 'alright kiddo'!  Anyways... Im glad I have his shirt.  It made me smile today wearing it.

 I have also been swimming in beads!  Im working on new things like crazy.  I have so much to list.  I havent posted the new stuff on here yet, but I have been adding new things to the Roots and Feathers shop.  And there are a few cute ones coming to Violet Bella soon too.  I have a bunch of new feather in a bottle necklaces in the works that you can see below.  And the pic of me below is me working in my studio :)

 I snapped the cutest photo ever of Bella last night!  Is she not precious?  She follows me EVERYWHERE.  I mean everywhere.  She is such a mommas girl, its almost ridiculous at times.  But I do love it.  Id much rather a cat with her butt in my face all the time, than a kitty who didnt like snuggles and love!  We had peas with dinner last night which made her a happy little girl.  She LOVES peas.  We dont really feed our animals people food, just tiny little hints here and there.  Bella loves peas and corn, her favorites!  She got two peas :) 

 Tomorrow is the last day to enter all 3 giveaways going on right now!  See the right side bar under 'current giveaways' to visit them all if you have not already!  Ill announce the winners at the beginning of October.


Daddy, I miss you...

I miss my daddy so much.  I know that lately I probably seem like I am doing just fine, keeping myself busy with work and sales...  But there is not really a moment I dont have him on my mind.  Lately Ive been trying to not think about him, b/c its almost too painful when I do.  I can get sick to my stomach in an instant by thinking about what he did.  So I have to just switch my thoughts real fast and keep on with something else.  There are so many crazy stages to grief.  It is like a bottomless pit of feelings you never knew you could possess, for the person who is gone, for yourself, for life...

I love this photo above.  I love the way my parents looked at each other.  And my moms long hair.  Before my dads hair turned salt and pepper.  And my Pap in the background, looking at the look in his daughter's eyes.  I love it.  They are all now gone from this earth.  Hopefully all looking at each other like this again.  Missing my dad has brought up all of my old feelings of missing my mom.  I could really really use her here with me right now.  But, I wouldnt want her to have to go through this, so Im glad she is not here in a way.  My dad's choice to take his own life is affecting so many people still here on earth.  Hopefully in time, we will all be able to grow and learn from this painful experience, I can only hope.

I keep dreaming about my dad.  He looks happy and healthy each time I see him.  And I can hear his voice too.  I think he has been answering some of my questions for me.  I have so many of them.  This may be a bit graphic, but last night I dreamt I was talking with him.  I burst out in tears and asked him, 'If this was so thought out and well planned, why didnt you take a moment to leave a note that just says i love you'.  He told me he had been planning to do this for years now, but when the time came, it all happened so fast, that he just didnt. - now although that is not really the answer that I want, its most likely something my brain has just produced b/c it has been mulling through so many questions and scenarios for weeks now, it just desperately wants something.  

I think one of the hardest parts of this, is knowing my dad was an impatient man.  He could never wait for things.  When something needed to be done, or he was ready to leave somewhere, it was now.  I really think if he could have had a bit more patience with life, he would have seen a whole new side to it.  He really was still so full of life and had so much to offer this world, I just dont think he himself saw it.  I really think some of the best years of his life could have been right before his eyes, but he gave up too soon.  I could be wrong.  It may have only gotten harder for him.  Somethings, we will never know.

I yearn for the day I can look back on my daddy with feelings none other than love and compassion.  I know that is at the core of my feelings, but right now I cant help but feel so many other things.  I will forever be left with a wounded heart.  It is soooo much different than losing someone who is sick, like my mom was.  

I only share these personal feelings b/c maybe someone out there reading this has gone through this too, and you wont feel so alone.  Or it may help someone in a different way, maybe someone who has thought about doing this.  I only can hope that my openess and honesty will bring light to someone in some way.  I have thought about starting a different blog just for these feelings, but I always come back to the fact that this blog is my life.  Its not just my art, or the things I love, its my life.  And life is black and white, and every shade of gray and color in between you can imagine.  I think my daddy only saw life in black and white sometimes.  And its not.

My heart goes out to all of the orphans in this world, b/c now I truly feel a bit of what they feel.  And to anyone who has gone through losing someone close to them.  It is the hardest part of life.  Love to you.