Yesterday was the last full moon of the year, and it was a powerful one... Positioned in Cancer, this one really hit home for me and all the things that have been on my heart as of late.  Much about letting go of the past, transformation and healing.  I am so ready to move beyond my sadness of the loss of my parents, and into a state of being that simply holds their spirits within me as I move through my day to day, honoring them through my actions and love.  I have been feeling a huge healing transformation heading my way for some time... and although I have felt touches of it all over me, I feel the real stuff has even yet to begin, but I feel it coming.  I have no idea what it looks like or how it feels, but I feel ready for the leaping, into whatever it is.  I have alot of letting go to do.  After having a certain little run in with someone the other day, out of the blue, I felt my heart lift some old burdens.  Feeling the sheer negative energy oozing out of them reminded me of the reasons its necessary to simply walk away at times.  And after years of feeling guilt within myself, in that moment, I realized it was so self imposed, and I instantly felt a dark cloud lift away from me.  This moment led me to look a little further into other areas of my life I have been self imposing imprisonments of guilt, fear, shame, etc.  There is alot of it.  And Im learning that most of it is tangled within myself b/c I have allowed it to be there.  There are some much deeper things within my personal being that I have been trying to work on for so long now it seems... but always came to road blocks and would mentally throw my hands up, give up.  I feel a new road is ahead of me now... one that is guided by my ancestors and is shown to me through people who show up in my life.  I have learned to recognize when someone is placed in my life with something big for me to pay attention to.  Even the ones who cause hurt and create huge emotional blocks.  They are all here to teach me something.  New perspectives have been showing up all around me, and I am grateful for this.

These quotes from Celestial Space Astrology for this full moon resonated deeply with me...

"There are some memories so deeply embedded within the Unconscious, that they need to be exposed for transformation and healing to take place so they no longer influence your life or behaviors. Why hold on to painful memories from your own life or that of your family ancestors and genetic lineage.

The exquisite potential of the Full Moon in Cancer is re-establishing emotional purity and strength. Allowing one to be confident and free to express feelings and flow with life. Learn to honor your feelings and attune to the Sacred Feminine. Be receptive to healing and also remain open to allowing things to wash away and prepare your inner container for new beginnings by being in the present moment. Let the raw emotion of rejection, abandonment and emotional betrayal heal.  Allow love to caress you and nourish you on every level.

Another piece to the Full Moon in Cancer is that people have a tendency to live on auto-pilot tend to carry forward sticky emotional guilt, painful memories, family curses, intense bitterness within the ancestral lineage without even questioning anything. And at times this plays it out in their personal lives or with situations in present time. The old story repeats in a loop like a memory.

The Full Moon in Cancer offers a wonderful opportunity to let go of being on auto-pilot and detox. Allow whatever is meant to be exposed to be revealed you can face it head on and move forward. It it also possible one’s family or ancestors that have transitioned (died or left the physical body) will be around to support this important phase and transformation. They too want to contribute so that the ancient patterns heal and become whole and healthy once again."

I am here.  I am listening.  I am open to receiving.  I am asking for guidance.  And I am grateful for the support I receive.
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It's about to get real up in here...  The other night we spent with our amazing friends, celebrating Jonny's birthday.  It felt so good to be surrounded by the people I love and feel myself with.  We just hung out with each other, ate some amazing food, and had some drinks.  I was drinking my new favorite, whiskey gingers.  By the time we left, I was beginning to realize I drank a bit too much.  I don't drink all that often, and its very rare when I drink enough to feel like it was too much... The past month, there has been some tension in our marriage... mostly due to outside responsibilities and underlying emotions about my dad.  On the way home, something was mentioned about my dad, and I basically lost it.  I cried so hard, screamed, hit the door, freaked out.  I think I've been bottling it all up so tightly that it just poured out with the whiskey.  As much as it sucked, I think it really needed to happen.  A release I wasn't allowing myself to have.  

For those of you who don't know, I lost my daddy to suicide in July of last year.  It has been such a strange healing process.  So many different emotions than I had when I lost my mom to cancer four years before that.  With her death, I was aware it was coming, I had time to say goodbye, time to love on her with everything I had, time to prepare the best way I could for what was ahead.  I did not get any of this when my dad left this earth.  Not a touch of goodbye.  Nothing.  Just gone.  For the most part, I feel such a compassion for my dad, that I have not been angry with him for his decision.  I feel so much love for him, like I always did.  But I would be lying if I said I never feel angry.  Sometimes it hurts so bad that I did not get to tell him goodbye, and I feel the anger well up in me.  And sometimes I think I let it out in petty arguments with James, which I hate.  When my mom died, I felt like I had to be so strong for my dad, and for my brother.  Now that my dad is gone, I don't know who I am trying to be so strong for.  I guess myself, so I don't just fall apart and become something I hate.  Im not sure really.  

I'm beginning to realize that having someone leave that I loved so dearly, not tell me goodbye, has made me lose a bit of self worth.  And so many of my other internal battles (like having children) have been affected even deeper by this.  There have been a few other times in my life when friends, people whom I thought loved me, just turned and walked away, without a goodbye... and though that hurt deeply, this is so much more raw.  But, I know I shouldn't let it get to me, b/c my dad was never good at goodbyes.  Every family function we ever had, he left without telling anyone goodbye, not even his wife or kids.  It's just the way he was.  And I have read countless times that people who take their own life, often don't say goodbye or leave notes.  But even statistics and deep rooted routines he had don't seem to take away that pain.  A part of me even feels guilty for feeling pain about it.  I don't want my daddy to know how much it hurts me, I still don't want him to feel bad, even though he is gone.  I just want him to feel love and acceptance. 

As silly as it sounds, seeing rainbows in my whiskey that night was no coincidence.  All of my family that has passed leaves something behind in times of need.  My grandfather leaves marbles and feathers, my mom leaves mountain laurel seeds, and my dad leaves rainbows.  It was only fitting that I kept seeing rainbows on the drink that let out all this emotion built up inside me.  It was so deep and buried I didn't even know it existed, or at least not like that.  This is all part of the bones I must gather, to understand myself a little deeper, and understand where I come from. 

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I have been meeting myself with alot of resistance lately.  I didn't even have a word for it until I was editing this photo for this post.  It just clicked in my mind, and opened my eyes to what it was I was feeling.  For several weeks, or more, I have had some blockages.  I have signed myself up for so many things I wanted to work on.  Soul things, ecourses, yoga and hooping groups, etc.  And each one of those things I made intentions to work on, have come to a screeching halt.  I feel like I have said yes so many times, to just look back and say, damn... another thing I forgot to do.  Or, another thing I felt a resistance with.  The more I think about this word, the more it feels so much deeper than just those little things I sign myself up for.  But it reflects so much into my core being, and feelings, thoughts and beliefs I have held within myself over the past few years, and some over a lifetime.  

I am going to try to hold these spaces in my heart with gentleness, instead of continuing to mentally beat myself up.  The old scars and bruises are no longer working for me.  It's time to cleanse and purge my old thought processes.  Make room for new growth.  Make room for more love.  And I even feel resistance to this as I type these words.

One of my all time favorite quotes has always been one from Leonard Cohen... 'there is a crack in everything.  that's how the light gets in'.  Such a powerful line.  I made a typography several weeks ago, and just shared it on The Bohemian Collective the other day. 

How do you face your own resistance to growth or change?  

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My Fears On Motherhood >>>

After reading my friend Melissa's post from Bubby and Bean this morning, it reminded me of this post I never posted... Although I feel like Im very open and honest on my blog already... there are still many fears of my own that I have not really touched on. Ive written alot about the death of my parents and all of the emotions that has brought me over the past few years, and I have even mentioned how it has affected me in my decisions about child bearing, but Ive yet to go in depth with it. I think I finally will today. 

All of these images below excite me when I think of motherhood...  You can find them all, along with more on my Adorable Littles & Motherhood board on pinterest.

Since I can remember, Ive always loved children.  Especially when they get old enough to play and be silly.  Ive have always been a bit scared of babies.  I think they are magnificent and could stare at them and hold them all day, but they still have always scared me.  Ive always been told its just b/c its not 'my' baby.  And that fear will go away when I have my own.  All of my friends kids are just my favorite little people on this planet.  My heart melts everytime Im around them... to the point I could almost forget everyone else around me and just be with them.  They just have a way of making my heart burst with sweetness.  When James and I were getting married, the having children talks began.  We both knew we wanted to have kids, and even had them named before we got married.  Then just 4 months after we got married, my mom passed away from cancer.  It took our happy beginnings and pretty much threw them into an emotional whirlwind that lasted almost 2 years.  Before I knew it, the idea of kids scared the crap out of me, thinking about having them without having my mother around.  I always imagined my kids going to grammy's house, taking nature walks and hunting for deer rocks, gardening, talking to the birds, singing... so much my mom would of done with them.  And I kind of couldnt even bare the thought of my kids never even knowing their grammy, the biggest influence of my life.  As I write this, Im writing in past tense, and realizing it needs to be in present tense b/c Im tearing up as I type, which means its still ever so present in my heart.  So, this is where my big emotional block started from.  But there is so much more that goes along with it...

Im scared to death of actually giving birth.  I know I have a pretty low tolerance for certain pain... I get bad periods sometimes where I think Im going to throw up and pass out.  And I never hesitate to take pain meds when I get them.  I would ultimately want to have an at home water birth, but I fear Im too much of a wuss to do it.  All I know is that I dont want to be in a hospital.  But then, I have all of my family telling me I must be in the hospital, which makes my confidence of a home birth go way down.  I also fear the pregnancy part.  The being tired all the time, not being able to work.  I guess the not knowing how it will be.  I know plenty of girls who do just fine, but I always think the worst, like Im going to be the girl in the bathroom all day throwing up, ha ha.  Which is my least favorite thing to do in the world!

I also think wayyyyy ahead and fear having teenagers, ha ha.  Which Im sure every mom does.  And I also think way ahead, thinking something tragic is going to happen leaving either James or I alone as a single parent.  That's crazy thinking isnt it???  After losing both my parents, its given me a deep seed of knowing people die, and you never know when.  It scares me.  Alot.  I also worry about the fact that I run a busy business and I dont want to be the mom that works all the time, even though I am home.  Which is kind of ironic, b/c one of the biggest reasons I started this at home business is that so one day I could be a stay at home mom, running my own business, with my kids at home.  

I think I just have alot of fear within me.  And Ive talked to several friends and have had lots of advice on letting these things go.  I know they are all kind of silly.  And the few times I have touched on this subject here, Ive had so many sweet comments from you guys with such reassuring words... and the fear still remains.  Sometimes I get the feeling to just be brave and go for it.  My hubby and I have kind of released the idea of holding on to the time reigns.  When it happens it happens.  I wish I could just make this feeling go away, and go at it with excitement.  I have friends who are just dying to have a baby, and I always wonder why I dont have that feeling.  Is it natural to not have that feeling?  Is it because of what Ive faced, or is it just me?  I have lots of questions about it.  I think Ive been running from it for a very long time.  So, maybe this is me beginning to really face it.  My biggest wish is to have my mom by my side.  But that is never going to happen.  So... its up to me to find some peace within myself about this.  I envy women who embrace it so naturally, so beautifully.  I really do.