Recalling my Journey >>>

By candlelight, I sit here.  Ready to check in a bit.  This past week or so has felt full of Balance.  Not in the way you think when you hear the word balance.  But the actual meaning of balance.  The highs and lows.  Balance is one of my personal words for this year.  Or this time in my life, whether that lasts a year or not.  The simple pure understanding that this world is ruled by balanced.  Moon and Sun.  Water and Earth.  Life and Death.  Man and Woman.  Love and Hate.  And the list goes on and on.  Without the other, we would not know one.  (I know Im not stating anything new here, nor am I trying to, just my own little pondering).  Really understanding the need and the requirements for the parts of life that are a bit harder to handle.  Like death, and hurt.  And knowing these are things we have to fully accept in order to fully accept life.  I have been going within alot more lately, allowing myself to walk through these woods.  I find myself scared at times, and even stop and turn around, and realize Im not ready to go there yet.  The process in which we heal is so different for everyone.  There is not a right or wrong way, or no time constraints.  I feel like over the course of the past four years since I lost my mom (tomorrow is actually exactly 4 years)... I have slowly transitioned into new beings.  Or I guess you could say, different stages of awareness within myself.  The first year, I went crazy.  I thought I knew everything, I was wild, rebellious and immoral.  I betrayed people I loved in a powerful attempt to find myself, who was 'I' without my mom???  Like a hurricane, I wrecked alot that was in my path.  I betrayed my own trust within myself.  Then I was betrayed by others in a way that really made me take a step back and look at who I had become.  I spent the next year in anger.  Anger at myself, and complete mistrust of people around me.  I realized exactly who I did not want to be, and what I did not want to allow in my life any longer.  Then after a long time that trust was reunited.  Healed through a learning process that me and those close to me had to learn together.  The biggest problem was that I went from being too open and wild, to retreating into my little crab shell, and I lost a sense of freedom within myself.  I spent so long in fear of others actions that I didnt want to do anything or go anywhere.  I was terrified within myself.  Then I began to create.  Ive always made stuff, but I decided to take it to the next level and make it my real business.  The fire was fueled and I began to feel a new sense of purpose in life.  And I realized I could heal myself in ways about my mom through my creations.  My mom was the one person who just thrived on seeing me create.  I would show her everything the very next day when I made a new painting or photograph.  So I used this image in my mind and kept her at the heart of everything I made.  It has helped me tremendously to deal with the pain of her loss and to keep her alive daily in my heart.  And to follow in her footsteps by living the same type of life she lived and to support my family with it.  I learned responsibility through my work as well.  I learned independence too.  I learned that I was the only person I could rely on to make it work.  Making a living at art is not a matter of a lucky break, its a product of alot of hard work and dedication.  I spent that year finding who I was as an artist.  I liked doing so many things it was hard to pin down what direction I really wanted to go with my focus.  And throughout that year, I had alot of lessons in truly letting go.  In more ways then one.  This past year has been an abundance of the best and worst times.  From reaching the next phase of my life of home ownership, the first thing that really felt like James and I accomplished something huge together and can share in daily.  To losing my daddy.  The friendship that we formed over the past few years since my mom was gone was awesome.  We confided in each other and just really became friends.  We shared our hearts.  And no matter what I did, I realized I could never fill the void that my mom left behind.  She was his soulmate.  His lifeline.  And he felt he needed to go home.  A choice that will forever haunt me, and one that has opened my eyes even more to the delicate ways of this world.  It has taught me the importance of community (being surrounded by people who have my highest interest at heart).  It has taught me to not be afraid of opening up and being vulnerable (even though that brings in people with very cold hearts at times, who try to bully me for being who I am).  It has taught me more about impermanence which makes me a better friend and wife.  I think it will continue to teach me new things throughout my entire life.  I am just now allowing myself to face my fears, and to know that I am who I am, and that is all I need to be.  Im finally in a place in my heart where I am not as easily shaken by people with a vengeful or hateful heart.  And I am deeply learning the things I want to further embrace in this world - especially in my healing.  Im on a very personal journey of the heart.  I dont know where the road will lead, but I will keep walking into the unknown anyway.  I am a child traveler and a year from now, Ill be able to add to this story.  

I am just like any of you reading this.  We are all in this together.  This life.  All on different paths.  All in different timing.  Embrace each other right where you and those around you are. And if you find yourself on a path you are not wanting to be on, search within yourself to find out how to steer your boat in the direction you want it to go.  You are the captain of your life.  And know that things take time.  Healing does not happen overnight.  But it does require you to take the first step.