I miss my daddy so much. I know that lately I probably seem like I am doing just fine, keeping myself busy with work and sales... But there is not really a moment I dont have him on my mind. Lately Ive been trying to not think about him, b/c its almost too painful when I do. I can get sick to my stomach in an instant by thinking about what he did. So I have to just switch my thoughts real fast and keep on with something else. There are so many crazy stages to grief. It is like a bottomless pit of feelings you never knew you could possess, for the person who is gone, for yourself, for life...
I love this photo above. I love the way my parents looked at each other. And my moms long hair. Before my dads hair turned salt and pepper. And my Pap in the background, looking at the look in his daughter's eyes. I love it. They are all now gone from this earth. Hopefully all looking at each other like this again. Missing my dad has brought up all of my old feelings of missing my mom. I could really really use her here with me right now. But, I wouldnt want her to have to go through this, so Im glad she is not here in a way. My dad's choice to take his own life is affecting so many people still here on earth. Hopefully in time, we will all be able to grow and learn from this painful experience, I can only hope.
I keep dreaming about my dad. He looks happy and healthy each time I see him. And I can hear his voice too. I think he has been answering some of my questions for me. I have so many of them. This may be a bit graphic, but last night I dreamt I was talking with him. I burst out in tears and asked him, 'If this was so thought out and well planned, why didnt you take a moment to leave a note that just says i love you'. He told me he had been planning to do this for years now, but when the time came, it all happened so fast, that he just didnt. - now although that is not really the answer that I want, its most likely something my brain has just produced b/c it has been mulling through so many questions and scenarios for weeks now, it just desperately wants something.
I think one of the hardest parts of this, is knowing my dad was an impatient man. He could never wait for things. When something needed to be done, or he was ready to leave somewhere, it was now. I really think if he could have had a bit more patience with life, he would have seen a whole new side to it. He really was still so full of life and had so much to offer this world, I just dont think he himself saw it. I really think some of the best years of his life could have been right before his eyes, but he gave up too soon. I could be wrong. It may have only gotten harder for him. Somethings, we will never know.
I yearn for the day I can look back on my daddy with feelings none other than love and compassion. I know that is at the core of my feelings, but right now I cant help but feel so many other things. I will forever be left with a wounded heart. It is soooo much different than losing someone who is sick, like my mom was.
I only share these personal feelings b/c maybe someone out there reading this has gone through this too, and you wont feel so alone. Or it may help someone in a different way, maybe someone who has thought about doing this. I only can hope that my openess and honesty will bring light to someone in some way. I have thought about starting a different blog just for these feelings, but I always come back to the fact that this blog is my life. Its not just my art, or the things I love, its my life. And life is black and white, and every shade of gray and color in between you can imagine. I think my daddy only saw life in black and white sometimes. And its not.
My heart goes out to all of the orphans in this world, b/c now I truly feel a bit of what they feel. And to anyone who has gone through losing someone close to them. It is the hardest part of life. Love to you.