THE CLEANSING OF RAIN (OR TEARS)

A gentle rain behind a window

The last four days have been out of the blue emotionally wild.  After coming off of some of the best days Ive had in a while around friday evening, I woke up feeling a deep shift saturday morning.  I felt quiet, in my head, withdrawn.  Typically how I start to feel when the moon is Cancer, and sure enough it was making that shift, and I could feel it deep within. 

We had plans that evening to go to a party.  First party Ive been to in a very long time, and I began to feel all sorts of insecurities creep up about hanging out with a bunch of people I didn't know.  Luckily there were some I knew, and that helped ease me into it.  I thought with age my social anxieties would begin to slip away, but I have actually found them to grow more in depth.  Had the party been the day before, it felt like I would of been racing to go.  But with just a one day shift in energy I could feel that old familiar feeling creeping in.  It wasn't until 7 that evening, so I had all day long to think about it too, which heightened the feelings.  Luckily as the night went on I felt safe and somewhat social.  I felt I had many very awkward moments, but at the same time had many great conversations with people I hadn't seen in over 15 years.  It was cool to go down memory lane and to see just how rad some people had become.  There were moments looking across the room at friends who were in the center of a group of guys commanding their undivided attention, I felt so far away from even entertaining the idea of being in that chair.  Personalities intrigue me, and I guess b/c I was feeling more inside myself than in an extroverted mood, I was paying attention.  But really, I always feel acutely aware of other peoples feelings and body language, or the things they are saying between the lines.  I guess being a sensitive person allows you to be sensitive to others. 

By the next day my introverted feelings grew exponentially, but we had dinner plans with friends.  Normally when feeling this way I would just cancel my plans.  But I really really did not want to b/c it would be the last time I'd get to hang out with them before they left for a new adventure in another state.  We had good pizza, good cider & wine and many good conversations.  Some odd intriguing ones too, ha ha.  Then we came back to our house and explored yummy music with each other.  And even got to sit and listen to Joni Mitchell's Blue album on vinyl and sing along.  That made my heart want to burst open.  Such goodness.  That is the kind of thing I wish happened much more often with people I'm close to, but is such a rare event.  At one point in the night I was asked an unexpected question, and from then on I felt like I could not get my brain to quite function properly.  It consumed my thoughts and brought up all sorts of emotions.  I know it wasn't intended to what-so-ever, but the reality is, it did.  I was also highly sensitive to my communication with James, which happened to be pretty off that night.  Throughout a 7 year marriage, your words, your touches, and your emotions inevitably ebb and flow... from season to season, day to day, even hour to hour.  And this night I was feeling particularly off with him.  And by the time 2 am rolled around, everyone had been long gone, and I had a few more glasses of wine to drink, I found myself wine drunk and sobbing on the the bathroom floor.  Big heaving messy sobs that make you gasp for air.  I mean I knew I felt a little emotional and frustrated, but I had no idea the floodgates that had opened.  I was crying about so much more than being upset over little things.  I was crying about my parents.  About things I have let go too long and not worked on with myself personally.  About so many things I don't care to speak of in this space.  I realized in that moment it had been so long since I had truly allowed myself to cry.  I mean really cry.  And I couldn't stop it.  Really I think Ive been shoving my tears down since my dad died. 

My entire monday was spent in this really odd emotional fog.  I still couldn't shake it.  It was the new moon, and as I read about it and watched KV's energy report I quickly realized I was right where I needed to be, which is always the truth.  Sometimes I just need to be reminded of that.  I feel like this weekend I walked through some sort of threshold or portal.  Something huge has shifted.  It may just be my awareness and my realizing that what has needed to be changed for so long really needs to be in the forefront of my mind.  I'm so very good at burying my nose in my creative work that I can simply forget or not make time for important self awareness and change.  I just started a deeply intimate and much needed course with a circle of the most brave, rad women ever, and even though we are just a few days in with our circle work, I can feel a life altering change ready to burst open.  It's been a while since Ive felt this feeling, and usually when I feel it, it means something deep. 

I am humbled by the simple moments in life that seem like just a fleeting everyday moment, that are really angels in disguise.  Even though it may not feel so angelic.  It may feel like your heart is being ripped out.  I have often found deep pain comes along with great change.  Here I am, ready to walk through it, shaking in my boots, but with a brave heart.

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