Dear Sabe, We Love You >>>

Im very sad to say that we lost our sweet Sabe yesterday around 10 in the morning.  After talking to the doctors the night before we were a bit prepared to possibly have to make the decision to take him off the ventilator and let him go.  During the night one of his lungs collapsed.  We think he mentally decided to go before he even made it into the ICU.  Its been a very hard 2 weeks for all of our family, and must of been insanely hard for Sabe.  My nanna and him were married for only 2 years, and it just seems soooo unfair that he had to be pulled away from her so soon.  It was probably the best 2 years of her whole life.  He treated her like she has always deserved to be treated, he adored her.  And she him.  This whole event has just been terribly heartbreaking.  Watching this big strong man wither before our eyes was so hard.  Alot like when my mom was sick.  Its amazing how fast our bodies change once it decides its going to leave us.  Even though it was hard, Im so glad we were all able to be with him, by his side through it all.  Even though he couldnt respond, Im sure he knew we were there.  He left this world with loving hands on him, just like my momma did.  One thing I was wishing so badly this week that my daddy could of felt... but then I was reminded what a private man my dad was, and he probably would of hated people standing over him if he was sick.  I know this.  We will miss this beautiful soul we lost so very much.  I was reminded once again what an amazingly strong woman my Nanna is, and what a caring soul she has.  Watching her hold his hand and talk to him was another one of the most bittersweet moments Ive ever experienced.  She is the ultimate nurturer.  I look up to my Nanna in the biggest way.  I pray she feels the love of this family and finds peace in her heart once again.  I am so blessed to be a part of such a loving family.

Sabe, I love you.

Daddy, I miss you...

I miss my daddy so much.  I know that lately I probably seem like I am doing just fine, keeping myself busy with work and sales...  But there is not really a moment I dont have him on my mind.  Lately Ive been trying to not think about him, b/c its almost too painful when I do.  I can get sick to my stomach in an instant by thinking about what he did.  So I have to just switch my thoughts real fast and keep on with something else.  There are so many crazy stages to grief.  It is like a bottomless pit of feelings you never knew you could possess, for the person who is gone, for yourself, for life...

I love this photo above.  I love the way my parents looked at each other.  And my moms long hair.  Before my dads hair turned salt and pepper.  And my Pap in the background, looking at the look in his daughter's eyes.  I love it.  They are all now gone from this earth.  Hopefully all looking at each other like this again.  Missing my dad has brought up all of my old feelings of missing my mom.  I could really really use her here with me right now.  But, I wouldnt want her to have to go through this, so Im glad she is not here in a way.  My dad's choice to take his own life is affecting so many people still here on earth.  Hopefully in time, we will all be able to grow and learn from this painful experience, I can only hope.

I keep dreaming about my dad.  He looks happy and healthy each time I see him.  And I can hear his voice too.  I think he has been answering some of my questions for me.  I have so many of them.  This may be a bit graphic, but last night I dreamt I was talking with him.  I burst out in tears and asked him, 'If this was so thought out and well planned, why didnt you take a moment to leave a note that just says i love you'.  He told me he had been planning to do this for years now, but when the time came, it all happened so fast, that he just didnt. - now although that is not really the answer that I want, its most likely something my brain has just produced b/c it has been mulling through so many questions and scenarios for weeks now, it just desperately wants something.  

I think one of the hardest parts of this, is knowing my dad was an impatient man.  He could never wait for things.  When something needed to be done, or he was ready to leave somewhere, it was now.  I really think if he could have had a bit more patience with life, he would have seen a whole new side to it.  He really was still so full of life and had so much to offer this world, I just dont think he himself saw it.  I really think some of the best years of his life could have been right before his eyes, but he gave up too soon.  I could be wrong.  It may have only gotten harder for him.  Somethings, we will never know.

I yearn for the day I can look back on my daddy with feelings none other than love and compassion.  I know that is at the core of my feelings, but right now I cant help but feel so many other things.  I will forever be left with a wounded heart.  It is soooo much different than losing someone who is sick, like my mom was.  

I only share these personal feelings b/c maybe someone out there reading this has gone through this too, and you wont feel so alone.  Or it may help someone in a different way, maybe someone who has thought about doing this.  I only can hope that my openess and honesty will bring light to someone in some way.  I have thought about starting a different blog just for these feelings, but I always come back to the fact that this blog is my life.  Its not just my art, or the things I love, its my life.  And life is black and white, and every shade of gray and color in between you can imagine.  I think my daddy only saw life in black and white sometimes.  And its not.

My heart goes out to all of the orphans in this world, b/c now I truly feel a bit of what they feel.  And to anyone who has gone through losing someone close to them.  It is the hardest part of life.  Love to you.


A sign of peace...

Yesterday I had a moment of peace.  And to fully understand, I must start from a few weeks ago...

Since James and I have moved into our new home, we have been seeing roadrunners everywhere.  I look out my window, and Ill see one sitting on a rock.  Look out my backyard and one will be in the yard.  We drive to town, and one darts in front of us.  All of the time.  It became apparent to me that I needed to start paying attention to this, they were trying to tell me something.  I read up in my Animal Speak book about this creature, but was not quite understanding how it could be relevant to my life.  It told me to also study the coocoo bird, which is a close relative, but still did not quite get what I was reading.  Then, on monday (two days ago), I re-read it all on our way into town.  I all of a sudden understood.  It was trying to get my attention about my dad.  It was all about seeing the universe on a deeper level, and to listen to what is not being said.  It also said that it most likely meant a life changing event was about to occur in your household, either a birth or death.  Now sometimes when you read these things before major events happen, its hard to quite comprehend who or what it is talking about, or if it is even real.  But upon looking back, I understood it all.  So now, this all brings us up to date to the events that happened yesterday.
First of all it poured down raining for about 1/2 an hour.  It has not rained here in so long.  I sat in my bay window with bella on my lap and we just watched the rain.  All I could think was that it was my mom weeping down on all of us and the earth.  It was beautiful but sad.  And I think it opened up my sensitivity to the natural world around me.

So then later in the day, I was sitting outside in my backyard, on the phone with my best friend.  I had told her about how Ive been seeing roadrunners everywhere.  As we were talking, I looked over and there was one in my garden, about 15 feet away from me.  I thought wow, that is the closest one has ever gotten, they usually dart away at the first sign of a person being there.  Then, he walked over to the bird bath that was literally 5 feet away from me.  He sat on that bird bath looking at me the whole time I was on the phone.  And I was talking loud and moving around the whole time.  He stayed there even after getting off the phone.  I kind of chuckled and looked at him and asked him if he was my daddy.  It just gave me a warm feeling that nature was speaking to me so loudly, especially by being so out of character for that creature.  He then ran away and hopped the fence and darted through the woods.

Then, a few hours later, James parents came over to our house.  They took us to run our errands and just be with us.  We were sitting at our dining room table and I looked outside the window and my backyard had tons of dragonflies flying around.  It instantly connected with me b/c I saw thousands of dragonflies not long after my mom died.  They have a deep meaning for me.  So I went outside to look at them and feel their presence.  I then realized, they were only in my backyard.  Not in my neighbors yard, not outside my fenced in area, just in my back yard.  I thought it was quite strange, but I just enjoyed seeing them and it felt like my mom was there big time.

Then, I came inside to tell his parents about it, and then I just was looking out the window at them.  Not a minute later, I look to my right and see two doves sitting on my fence together staring at me.  Once I recognized them, the cuddled, then walked along the fence side by side, and then flew off together.  I instantly knew they were telling me that my mom and dad were back together where they belonged and that they were okay.  

I know this probably sounds crazy to alot of people, but I was told that if my parents were going to visit me, it would be in a way that I would understand.  And I understand this world best through nature.  I am deeply connected to nature and the things in it, and I truly believe this was God's way of showing me their love.  And for it to happen right here in my new home, makes me feel so warm.  Like they are blanketing our house with their presence and love.  It was truly one of the most amazing experiences Ive ever had.  And although it does not take away the sadness of losing my daddy, it is helping me to understand the process of life and death, and to feel at peace with his soul being reunited with my moms.  Which is all he ever wanted.