Sometimes you have to BURN the past, to ILLUMINATE your now, to see the LIGHT of your future.
TIME FOR A NEW STORY
2015. So far it has blown by so quickly it's hard to keep up with what month I am in. At least that is the way it feels most days. It's been very UP and very DOWN. And the changes happen so rapidly, like within days, sometimes hours. And most days seem to spring the unexpected on you that you can't expect to know how your day will go. Things I have planned to get done, seem to keep getting pushed back by other events, by blows emotionally, by whatever. And then the 'catch up' feels so overwhelming that I just want to play in daydream land, and at times I just allow myself too b/c I know it's exactly what my body needs. PLAY. These images are from one of those days.
In order for things to really leave our bodies, they have to come back up for re-examination. That is what has been happening to me alot lately. Deep changes. Deep reflections. Old feelings coming up showing me the ways I have beaten myself up, felt not good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, whatever enough. Old emotional patterns, things Ive allowed others to make me feel about myself, history. And its time to re-write my story. Create a new one that leaves the negative self talk behind. One that fully embraces myself, in all ways, with pure love for self. Eclipse Season, thank you.
It's time to be done with defining myself from my past. Time to be done with caring what others might think of me. Time to be done with any what-if's. Time to be done with fearing the future, and fully trust the process of this journey. Time for a new day.
outfit details: dress - chicwish // hat - moorea seal // necklace - love + leather
SEVER YEARS
Seven Years. Today my mother has been gone from this earth for 7 years. It's crazy to think about all that has transpired within seven years, that she has not been here to witness. She has walked with me in spirit all along the way, I know. But oh the things I wish I could sit down and talk with her about. The difference in who I have become from age 25 to 32. I guess actually I am a completely different person, since I have heard it takes 7 years for every cell in our bodies to die and renew themselves. But in so many ways, I am such a different person. I wish I could sit down with her, through all the things Ive experienced and learned, and have real heart to hearts with her. I'd love to still get to know her more deeply as a person too. I'd love to inquire about so much. I'd love for her to still be my best friend, here on earth.
One thing seven years has also brought though is peace. Peace with her being gone. I'll never stop wishing she was here, of course, but I am so much more at peace with the reality of it these days. This summer will be 4 years since my daddy has been gone too. I think part of the peace comes from the time gone by since I lost him too. Just as I was gaining peace a few years ago with my mom's death, my dad was suddenly gone too, and the pain started all over again. Some days life is simply just odd without them here. Some days it just hits me. Cuts to the bone when I know I will never be able to touch their skin again. Some days it feels like I never had parents to begin with. I know that sounds strange. But there are times, when day after day of them not being here, it begins to feel like they were never here. I can't describe it. I feel so thankful when they visit me in my dreams, or show themselves through an animal in passing. Those little moments that bring them back to life in a flash.
Seven years ago I lost the most amazing woman I have ever known. I am so blessed I was HER daughter. From what so many people tell me, she lives on through me in so many ways. I hope people never stop seeing her when they look at me.
I have a photo of her that I keep next to me on my desk. It was from a day her and I had a date at a local (gone) coffee shop called Fool Moon. We sat outside in the sunshine, drank coffees, talked, and got silly with the camera. It's a picture of her sipping her coffee, and her eyes just radiate. Everyone in my family has a copy of it, and they all say its their favorite picture of her. I remember the fun and joy we had with each other that day, and it radiates from her eyes. I would kill to sit on that bench with her one more time and tell each other all of our secrets. But since I know I can't, instead I have heart to hearts with her in my mind. I talk to her through the trees and with the birds. I seek the love she held day after day through my own living. In my heart, she will always be alive.
2015 WORD OF THE YEAR
Ive been pondering my word of the year for 2015 for a few weeks now. One of the first words that popped in my head was Root. But like with everything else I do, I must try out lots of other words to see if they fit better. The past few days the word ROOT has been clearly showing up for me, giving me perfect confirmation, in perfect timing for the new year. I got my first real confirmation on the Winter Solstice + New Moon while contemplating the word Root and pulling my cards for the year ahead in the bathtub. The card I pulled as the 'theme' card for the year was Seed (or The Fool). To me, the seed felt strongly related to root.
The last few weeks, I have kind of been on an emotional rollercoaster. Mostly in a funk though. Feeling lost, blue, unmotivated. Just really out sorts with myself, my body, my creativity, my relationships, etc. You name it, I felt odd about it. It hit me big time yesterday when after losing some of my favorite jewelry I found myself on the living room floor, doubled over, sobbing. I thought, God Laura, you are crazy!!! Who cries over jewelry like this? I felt like I was being super materialistic. But these pieces were all handmade, with so much time and love put into them, by people that I love and respect, and knowing that I might not get to wear them anymore genuinely made me sad. Literally two minutes after my breakdown on the floor, I found my jewelry! Ha ha. I had gotten myself so upset for nothing. It made me take a step back and really feel what I was feeling, and I knew it wasn't about the jewelry so much per say, as it was really more of an underlying state that I have been in. After the elation of finding the jewelry, within an hour I found myself feeling depressed again. Something has just felt off.
This morning I woke up from a dream about a fox, who had befriended me. Lately I have dreamt about animals like crazy. Since the new moon I have dreamt about a white horse leading me & James through the woods, a deer licking me when I was alone and scared, a baby panther that I held in my shirt next to my belly while climbing a huge massive tree, and now a fox. Also a few dreams about rivers. All signs of feminine energy, kundalini, root, sexual/creative energies, etc.
Last night I was chatting with a dear friend and she reminded me of the texts from Clarissa Pinkola Estes, so I had that on my mind... as I was looking for a cd to play this morning while I drank my coffee, I came across her audio book The Creative Fire. It has been a while since Ive listened to it, so I popped it in. I ended up spending the morning listening to all 3 discs, and creating this wall hanging for myself with my word of the year on it. (every year I intend to make one for myself, but I usually am too busy making them for other people, this year is mine...)
Throughout her cds I found myself completely absorbed, realizing it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Reminding me deeply of the need to get to the Root of some things in my life. Also reminding me I am right where I am suppose to be. I just couldn't place my feelings. But I am in my own underworld right now. Things are dormant for a reason. Everything is okay. And I will reclaim myself once again. I also found myself in tears over just about every story she told. I just felt them all so deeply. Even ones I didn't personally connect to in this moment, I just FELT them to my core. ANYONE who is an artist, I highly recommend this audio book. Do yourself a favor, and go buy it now as a new year's gift to yourself. You won't regret it.
Another thing that reconfirmed my word was the book I just started reading, The Wild Feminine. Another suggestion from my friend. I saw her post about it last week and something in my gut told me to buy it. Within the first pages I was reading last night while sitting on the couch, the word ROOT popped up about 10-15 times! It was just meant to be my word.
There are some things that are just far to personal to ever talk about on my blog here, and alot of what revolves around my word is just that. It will be a deeply personal word to work on throughout the year. And something I have avoided for far too long. It's even part of what my dietary changes are all about. I will be working on this word in the most holistic way I can, from all angles. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual...
I woke up this morning after all of these little things clicked together, with a renewed sense for the new year. 24 hours ago, I did not see the silver lining.
Oh, and about the dreamcatcher I made... I'm in love with her. The tree branch reminded me of a root, which is why I used it. I added a deer antler tip and an ET crystal, two things that are meaningful to me. An old medicine bag a friend gifted me, and one of my special turkey feathers. I am thrilled SHE will be adorning my walls as a daily reminder to go to the ROOT.
Have you chosen a word for the year yet? I'd love to know what it is and what it means for you if so...