WHEN MOTIVATION IS LOST

My moments on the blog have been sparse this month.  I still feel like I am in such a period of re-evaluation, but right now I am at the place of no movement.  I know this spot will quickly pass, as all do.  I was at the home-stretch of getting my house completely reorganized and decluttered and then I just stopped.  I lost all motivation.  My laundry has sat in a huge pile on the floor by the bay window for two weeks now, just growing and growing.  And I could say that about every other corner of the house too. 

I had a couple day burst of brand new inspiration for my shop, I made so many new pretties, I got the idea to shift my whole shop over to this website here instead of etsy, I rephotographed everything I had in stock + the new stuff, uploaded it all to the site and got ready for a new launch.  I did a test purchase with myself and quickly realized the move I made was not the right one.  The process of getting an order in and shipping it is not nearly as easy as etsy, on top of not being able to connect paypal.  So, now I must put all that work back into my etsy shop for now until a better solution comes along.  It's not that I don't love etsy, it is actually a really great place to sell, I just wanted my own pretty store front right here on my website, to have everything all in one place.  I guess if Squarespace changes a few things, like adding Paypal options, and more streamlined, quick & easy shipping processes then Ill reconsider.  I must say though that my excitement waned a bit about my shop.  I guess after getting pumped for a big fresh new change like that and then just ending up right back where you were, was a little disappointing.  Plus knowing that all that time I spent was almost for nothing.  BUT I am just in need of a little change in attitude... Brush it off, pick myself back up, and move forward.  Maybe some things are just better left as they are.  I will still be changing the way I work and for the time being only offering items that are ready made, one a time. 

Another new point of change, I cut my hair two days ago!  It was dark by the time we got home so all I have is a quick harshly lit bathroom selfie.  But I am loving it!  We cut about 6-7 inches off and it feels so healthy, and THICK for the first time in my life!  I don't normally cut my hair 'blunt' and I have really thin fine hair, so this cut makes it really feel thick and full and healthy.  And now it doesn't turn into a rat's nest when I wake up in the morning, ha ha! 

I know alot of the changes I have made over the past few months are pretty simple.  De-cluttering my home.  Changing my diet.  Cutting my hair.  Changing my website.  Re-thinking how I create my jewelry & what I offer.  But I hope with time and dedication that all of these little changes add up to create a brand new - bad ass year in 2015.  I feel like my life shifted, cracked open, is letting the bad stuff fall through the cracks, and opening me up for new good things to come in.  Who knows, maybe one of those things will be mini sized ;)

THIS TIME OF YEAR

Each year I think enough time has passed by, or enough inner growth has occurred, that come fall time I will feel free as a bird emotionally.  It is my favorite time of year, hands down.  I love the way the earth looks during Autumn, the colors on the trees, the fallen leaves, the fields of golds and browns.  The not too hot or not too cold weather.  The feeling in the air...

But at some point, usually around Halloween, a wave of sadness hits me.  I know alot of it is simply missing my parents.  But it feels deeper than that.  It's like my body begins a process of going within and evaluating myself from the past year.  My heart strings begin to pull over the past, people I can no longer talk to or touch, even people I have been.  Old wounds begin to surface, letting me know I have not quite finished my business with them.  Layers of myself begin to unpeel, and there are days I don't recognize the girl in the mirror. 

This year has been no different.  A month ago is when it started, though this time it looked more like a mini break down than depression.  Or maybe breakdown is not the word... but the feeling of life slapping you in the face while screaming at you, WAKE UP!  Changes need to be made.  Old wounds need to leave your body.  Bad habits need to be stopped.  Your perspective needs some re-evaluating.  Something is about to SHIFT. 

The biggest message I got this time was to clear my home in order to clear my self inside.  Start with my surroundings, and by doing so, I would begin to clear from within.  I must say, in many ways it has been true.  I guess b/c really taking time to clean deep gives you lots of time within yourself to think without distracting yourself with emails, work and to-do lists.  It's been a slow process.  It's taken me a whole month to clean out my house and I'm still only half way done. 

I think my biggest shift this year has been the allowing.  Usually when I start to feel this way I want to do whatever I can to run the other way.  I submerse myself in work which is never hard with the holiday season.  I think Ive been submersing myself in work for years now... One because I love what I do, yes, but also b/c it can easily be a distraction from self.  This year work is the last thing on my mind, except that I do have to keep at it for bills... but I'm not mentally exhausting myself with details of it. 

There are parts of myself that feel like a broken record at times.  I'm so ready for that needle to lift and skip to the next beautiful song.

DIVING INTO A DEVOTION OF GRATITUDE

I have permission to be quiet and still
to lay vertical on the earth below
allowing the song birds to sing me
into sweet reverie.

Swirling, I begin to dance
Flushed cheeks covered in thought kisses
from others I've tucked away
for moments like these.

I fall to my knees thanking him
for the hurt I allowed him to bring me,
and her, for the behind the back slurs.
I weave them into the blanket of lessons
I wrap around my bones,
giving myself comfort of the golden jewels
that were only wearing the masks of misfortune.

I choose Thanksgiving.

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A moment from my heart, prompted by Liberated Lines.  Join the movement here.  #liberatedlines

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A WEEK OF {RE}MEMBERING...

It has already been one week since my "Hitting my reset button" post... I actually didn't even realize during this time that I haven't blogged in a whole week.  Which is very unlike me.  I'm not sure where the fear comes from of not blogging regularly.  Maybe that people will forget about you?  Or that you will lose momentum altogether and just become uninterested?  Even though I don't blog 'business' related stuff all that often, and this blog is more of a personal behind the scenes of my daily life, in a way it can really feel like a 'job' at times when you are constantly trying to 'keep up'.  With what?  I'm not sure.  But going a whole week and not even stressing about it has been so good.  I have been filling my days up with so much more this week.

This has been the BEST thing I could of ever done for myself and I truly hope that the changes I am making continue on once my life does pick its pace back up and I become full heartedly involved in my next magazine issue, or creating a new collection for Roots & Feathers, or whatever my 'busy' looks like.  I pray that I continue to integrate what I am learning now within those times too.  But I think it has been so very important for me to take a real, long break.  I have said no to so many wonderful opportunities already this past week.  Or not necessarily a NO, but a not right now... But, sometimes in this fast paced world, saying Not Right Now could mean that offer moving right along to the next and never looking back your way.  And I have allowed myself to be okay with that.  If its a collaboration that is really worth something, it can wait.

I have been overjoyed with the comments and emails I have been receiving about my decision to take a pause.  You guys make me feel so supported and I want to thank you for all of the encouragement and reaching out you have done.  It has meant so much and truly filled me up. 

The first day I was off I worked on a project I had thought about for a good while.  Taking down all of my mom's stuff off of this shelf my dad built.  She had it in her sewing room, and when I transferred it over to my home I put all of her stuff back up on it.  This room used to be my studio at that time, but its been a long time since its been a functioning room of any kind.  Right now it is just to used to workout in.  This shelf feels so out of place in there and I realized it was time for me to take her things down and fill up with my own life.  I have plans to move it from this room to our living room and to paint it a fresh new color and then fill it will all my own little trinkets.  This will also help alleviate my clutter problem.  I will be able to move alot of the small objects I have all over all my desks and countertops to this shelf to be nicely displayed.  I think it is just going to be an overall good move.

After I got the shelf all cleared off I came across this photo below, of my parents sitting below this same shelf in their home (before it got painted).  I love that my dad made this shelf.  He was such an amazing craftsman, so to be able to showcase one of his pieces in my home just feels so good.  But the photo below was pinned on a board with the word "re member" on it.  It just felt like a connection with them, as I was making this transition with this shelf I felt like I was re-membering myself, and then I found this.  I will definitely be adding this photo to the shelf once it makes it into its new spot!

Speaking of my parents, this photo above was taken out at their place on one of our check-ins.  The leaves are falling in masses out there.  They have so many trees there that I don't have in my yard, so the leaves always look different.  I almost always walk away with a handful of leaves when I'm out there.  Two people just this week have gone to look at their house for sale.  It's still all very surreal, but its happening.  The process is in the works and people are requesting to see it. 

We have had a TON of fires this week.  The other day I woke up and made a fire and just kept putting logs on all day long, and I sat by the fire until it was time to go to bed.  It was incredible.  Just the day I needed.  And Bella quite enjoyed it too.

I made a batch of (slightly over roasted) rosemary almonds, which are sadly all gone now.  Can't wait to make some more.  I sort of devoured them.  Another huge shift that has happened this week during my downtime has been my diet.  For the past 5 or 6 days I have not had any grains, dairy (except eggs) or sugar (except a small amount of coconut palm in my morning cup off coffee).  I'm experimenting with eliminating some things to see if I can reverse a few health issues.  In just a short time I feel such a huge difference.  HUGE.  So far I have not given in, but I won't say it has been easy.  I knew this break time was going to lead to some life altering choices, I felt it in my bones, and each day something new is coming to me in my down time.  I keep feeling led to certain information and pieces of my puzzle are starting to fit together.  And it EXCITES me!

A moment of beautiful bits of light coming through the window, creating rainbows on the way, along with twinkle lights.

This has been my daily tonic for a few weeks now to combat allergies.  A cup of filtered room temp water with one whole lemon, 2 tbsps apple cider vinegar,  1 tbsp cinnamon and a shake of cayenne, with local honey to taste.  It tastes so yummy and has tons of health benefits.  I found it on the Farmer's Almanac site.  This, lots of water and green teas have been some of the ways Ive been nourishing myself everyday.

Yesterday I had one of the best days in a long time, although by the end of it my head hurt so bad I had to retire to the tub.  But I spent the day cleaning house, listening to good music, using my yummy face mask from Wild Honey Apothecary and making yummy nourishing meals. 

I scrubbed my floors with my hands.  I washed shelves and cupboards, baseboards.  Just really giving my home some love and attention.  I'm still not done b/c this process takes alot longer, so I only got to a few parts of the house.  But I am going to continue as I can each day.  My intention was to do the second half of the house this morning, but the world had other plans for me today and now I feel mentally wiped.

I got brave and dyed my hair.  I got rid of my ombre that I have had for several years now.  This was HUGE for me.  My hair has been like a security blanket for me.  It is all now dark brown and I'm still adjusting.  But I think I'm liking it more and more each day.

James surprised me with Neil Young's new album.  Already one of my favorites.

I remembered yesterday that I had a pomegranate bush growing in my backyard!  One was ripe enough to eat.  So I sat on my back porch and ate it for about an hour, b/c that is about how long it took to eat, ha ha.  It was wonderful.

Through this time I have still had do attend to work.  I finished a wholesale order up, Ive helped James make Skyline Fever shirts (which by the way we released a new one last week), Ive filled daily orders and answered about 50 emails.  I have just been spreading these things out and really taken down time in between, and staying offline as much as possible (except for instagram).  Allowing myself to be fully present if I am cooking, or doing the laundry, or eating a pomegranate.  This is where the shifting is occurring...