"Wish I had a river I could skate away on"
lyrics to a Joni Mitchell song...
a song my mother sang me as a baby.
a song i now have tattooed on my arm.
Well, I did what I said and made some art. I didnt feel like dragging out all of my paints, just I just sketched and then watercolored.
This is the result of a line drawing, scanned and added the texture in photoshop, printed, then painted acrylic on top, and re-scanned.
It is much simpler than what I normally love to do, but its something.
It did feel good to make.
But I did begin to feel anxious with all of my stuff all over the floor and put it all away.
I think when I am done with this post I am going to go lay on the couch with some hot chocolate and a movie.
This past year has flown by so fast. Literally, I almost cannot believe it. And they say it just goes faster the older you get! That is scary!
The beginning of this year was coming into one of the most messed up times of my life. After a year of my mother being gone, I spent that year being a waitress, and found myself in another world. I become way too close to someone...someone I thought was a dear friend, and someone who I thought gave me something I thought I was missing. (Hence the word thought) I wont go into details, its not necessary, and really I dont need to relive it again. Ive done that enough to myself. Needless to say, I became farther and farther away from my union with my husband. And somehow justified it all in my head because I thought I was not happy. But circumstances led me to leave my job. With no where to go, after being lost for about a month, I decided to pursue my art. Not knowing where it would lead...
Through all of this, I felt my first real betrayal from a friend. I learned that sometimes no matter how much you think you know someone, you can be way wrong. For the first time I lost trust. And this is something that I lost again throughout this year. It is something I still, everyday, learn to regain. Not only in others, but in myself as well. Through all of the heart ache and betrayal, I learned so much about myself. I learned I was not being the wife that I wanted to be, that God wanted me to be. I became angry with myself and very ashamed. I still do if I think about it. But I finally found a place where the grace of God came into my heart and calmed my soul. Much of it was remembering that I am human, and this set me up to have compassion for others when needed by their faults.
I thought that I grew alot the year after my mom died, but really I was just in another world. I read all the time, got all floaty in the clouds and only wanted to experience pure joy in the world. All I wanted to do was be free. Free from anyone's box. But I learned you can only be so free without hurting other people. I now think that I have learned far much more this year. I feel clearer in the head. I am not distracted by alcohol or lust or any of those things. I have turned to my family, my animals, my true friends, and my art.
I learned that my husband was much faster to forgive me than I was myself. He has been the biggest reason I did not just fall apart. He has taught me what loving someone really means. He has taught me how to be more self-less. By example he has shown me how to care for someone. He has had his moments though to, trust me.
But I have found myself so in love with my husband its crazy. Even through things I never thought I would experience. I am so glad I never gave up when I thought I wanted to. I understand now why my parents stayed together for so long, 26 years. There were times growing up when I thought for sure, they should not be together, but they always got passed it and stuck it out. And I am so glad my mom had my dad by her side through her sickness. Their love really shined through.
Within all of this 'life' stuff that happened this year, my business has blossomed. I got really involved with my etsy shop. I put my art in 3 stores. I have been featured on several blogs and interviews. I made it to etsy's front page over 20 times! I went from just a few sales to 114 on etsy, and from a few followers on my blog to 86 in the past month! You have no idea how blessed I feel to be doing this. I know today I had a bad day, but for the most part, I genuinely feel so blessed. I feel like my mother is watching down on me with a big smile.
She came to me in my dreams two nights ago...I saw her in the driveway and I got out of the car. We hugged each other so tightly and just smiled, and I just kept repeating to her over and over again, 'your my best friend'. It felt so real, I woke up immediatly after and could feel it all over again.
So, this year has been an interesting one. Full of real life situations. There is so much that I left out, but then this would be a book! One big highlight was meeting my friend Renea. She has shown me so much about myself. She is a real inspiration to me. I'll never forget the day I met her.