I found this poster at a local thrift store and just about squealed when I did. The image is an old photo of Josephine Street Cafe in San Antonio, and in the background you can see my mother, who was a waitress there when this photo was taken. Before my time of conception even came about. I have an old print of it that my mom had. And I had no idea it was ever turned into a poster! Hands down, the best thrift find Ive ever come across! I wish my mom could see it, she would of been so excited!
Lately I have found myself with a heavy heart. Even on my good days, they still feel laced with heaviness. My husband has too. I think we are both in a place of transition in our lives. In our 30's, loving our lives, but still dreaming of other places and things we want to be doing, but feeling tied down by financial responsibilities. And the weight of big, life altering choices, is very hard for both of us. Neither of us are the type to just leap and see where we land. We are both very goal oriented and security oriented. Which is fine for now, since we are taking this time to just dream. Dream of where we want to be, what we want to be doing, etc. I know James is dreaming of the little girl he wants to have... Im dreaming of living out at my parents house, and the things Id love to do out there.
Im also dreaming of things that are to come with this blog of mine. Things I want to share. And also dealing with the emotions that come along with having others mimic my sacred space here. Im still learning how to cut the emotional cord that drains me of my energy when this happens. Learning to see the value in the lessons these kinds of people have to offer me. Learning the layers of myself that still need peeling from old and fresh wounds of this kind.
Much deeper than either of these things, I have things on my heart that are just much too personal to talk about online. But they are serious things I need to heal within myself. Im pretty sure I am going to start some counseling soon for this. It scares me a little to do that. But Im realizing after so long of this part of me not coming to light, I cannot do it on my own. I need someone to help guide me through it.
One thing that has been kind of interesting lately is that ever since I did the releasing ceremony on new years eve with my dads ashes, I no longer dream about just him, or just my mom. They both seem to be in most of my nightly dreams, just there, together, like they have always been there. Its comforting to always see them together. And since then, I have felt a huge sadness leave their home and property. It feels like it is slowly being restored back to harmony, and the birds are the ones gathering and spreading seeds of new life.