FIREWORKS & HARD LIFE CHOICES

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Last night we watched the fireworks display they do every year at the lake in Lakehills.  It's always the day after the 4th b/c its really a celebration of two birthday's of folks that are neighbors down at the lake, convienently close enough to the 4th to do this.  They put alot of passion into it too, its quite an amazing show! 

I pretty much took photos the whole time.  And once I got them on my computer I was completely in awe at the complexity of it.  I love how abstract some of them came out.  They remind me of galaxies, and the lit up deep sea creatures.  Absolutely fascinating.  I couldn't help but think of my dad the whole time I edited these, I think he would love these photos.  He loved fireworks and he loved colorful abstract crazy art.  He even surprised me with a fireworks show at our wedding.  He was always sneaky like that.  Always.   

The past two days have been a bit of down time for me.  Approaching this new moon in Cancer, my moontime, and solar flares... I think its all got me in this kind of sluggish, sad feeling kind of wave.  No need to worry, I'm all good.  These times come and go.  I usually start to retreat into my shell a few days before my moontime, its just a cycle.  I have been following for a while now how my moods and body behavior correlate with the ebb of the moon, which in a way, eases my mind about it when I get to feeling this way.  I always know this too shall pass.  I know there are some things in my life right now that I truly must 'feel'.  Be in, and not turn away from.  The idea of letting go of my parents home has been huge on my heart this month, and the past few days especially so.  I have this inner feeling that this is the way to go, and it hurts.  There will be no getting around the pain of it, it must be felt.  Prolonging it will only deepen it.  Money has been the biggest factor holding us back, but also, there are emotional things too.  The idea of pulling into the driveway everyday where I found my dad after committing suicide.  As much as I want to believe I could handle that, I honestly don't know until I do it.  Day after day, month after month, year after year.  And the property itself is huge and will take alot of maintenance, and I have to get real with myself about whether or not James and I can take that on or not.  I'd like to think I could, but then again Ive been saying I want to develop a real garden here at this house for two years now, and barely anything has happened.  I'm not sure if that is me not fully settling in here, or just laziness.  These are things that are hard to know the answer to unless you are fully immersed in it, you know.  My heart has felt so torn for 6 months now.  Really, two years, but more seriously the past 6 months.  A week from now will mark two years since my dad has been gone.  Two years.  It's kind of hard to wrap my head around.  I wish so badly that both my mom and dad were here for me to ask them what to do.  Face to face, hug to hug.  Everyone in the world can give me their opinion about it, but what I really want is theirs.  From the experience of living there and maintaining the place all of their lives.  I know I grew up there, but that is soooo different than being the one in charge.  It kind of feels like a huge spider web, and at every intersection there is another idea, emotion, way to look at it, way to feel about it.  I'm slowly working my way to the center of the web, hoping to god I find the answer in the center.  Ive been walking side by side with patience for a long time.  But in reality money is wearing thin and time is ticking.  We had to put the majority of what weve been saving for the past year for a car towards the land taxes, and I dont know where well get the money for next year if things don't really pick up with business.  That is just a reality.  So we don't have a few years to sit on it.  To wait it out and see how we feel another year or so from now.  Im coming to a crossroads where a real hard decision has to be made, and it overwhelms me with sadness and fear of making the wrong choice.   

I feel like I just really needed to write that out.  Put it into the void, as Meg Ryan would say.  Thank you for simply bearing witness.

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