Ode to my mother, the prettiest soul in the universe

"Got to get back to the land and set my soul free" ~CSNY

I dont really know where to begin. So many of you already know about my mom, some of you dont, some of you knew her (lucky you), most of you didnt. My mom was the type of person that never met anyone who she did not walk away from calling a friend. She was kind and giving to everyone, no matter who you were. She touched so many peoples lives through just being herself, and I dont think she ever really knew that. She was just beautiful.

For those of you who are newer to my blog, 2 years ago my mom passed away from breast cancer. January 25th, 2008. For most of the day on the 25th (two days ago) I but it in the back of my mind. By the end of the day I was relieved that I did not think about it much. But the day after and today it is prominent on my mind.

I wish so badly I could call her up tonite and tell her that I just sold my first handmade dress! Although Im sure she knows because the girl who bought it decided to think about it last night, and then she dreamt about it, so Im sure that was my momma poking herself in her dreams! :)

I wish I would dream about her again.

I am going to hold it all back so this is not a sad post.

I just wanted to share a bit of my mom with you guys, for without her I would not be anything that I am today. She was my best friend, my soul mate, and my greatest teacher.

These photos are from a huge framed collage I did for her service, I keep it on top of her dresser I know have in my bedroom, so I see it before I go to sleep each night.

I think if you click on the images you can see them bigger in another window.

You will see that she has alot of sillyness in her, and so much about family.
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In this photo:
eating snow when I was 2
her holding my brother's baby during her last xmas
me hugging her right after getting married
her on the beach when she was young
me and her on my graduation

In this photo:
her high school photo
when she lost her hair from chemotherapy
one of her funny halloween costumes
her and her 2 best friends on the beach when they were my age

In this photo:
me and her in her garden
her and my nanna
her and my brother for halloween
her chemo head again
her in her silly hat on the beach
her flying a kite
her as my daisies leader in our hula outfits
her putting cookies over her missing boobs
her hands while she was sick

In this photo:
her and her friends again
me kissing her cheek
me and her posing silly for the camera
Here is a snip it of our life. I miss it. I would give anything for her to show me all the plants in her garden again. She would take me out to it every day almost, she was so excited about her things growing. I wish I would have paid more attention.

To all of my friends, dont ever take your mother for granted, remember the little things, take alot of photos.

I dont have any regrets, dont get me wrong, fortunately we had the best relationship, I know most people never come close to. She is in my soul.

And now I see her everytime I look at the moon or stars.

I love you mom.

Peace,
Laura



REFLECTIONS


"Wish I had a river I could skate away on"

lyrics to a Joni Mitchell song...

a song my mother sang me as a baby.

a song i now have tattooed on my arm.
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Well, I did what I said and made some art. I didnt feel like dragging out all of my paints, just I just sketched and then watercolored.

This is the result of a line drawing, scanned and added the texture in photoshop, printed, then painted acrylic on top, and re-scanned.

It is much simpler than what I normally love to do, but its something.
It did feel good to make.
But I did begin to feel anxious with all of my stuff all over the floor and put it all away.
I think when I am done with this post I am going to go lay on the couch with some hot chocolate and a movie.

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REFLECTIONS

This past year has flown by so fast. Literally, I almost cannot believe it. And they say it just goes faster the older you get! That is scary!

The beginning of this year was coming into one of the most messed up times of my life. After a year of my mother being gone, I spent that year being a waitress, and found myself in another world. I become way too close to someone...someone I thought was a dear friend, and someone who I thought gave me something I thought I was missing. (Hence the word thought) I wont go into details, its not necessary, and really I dont need to relive it again. Ive done that enough to myself. Needless to say, I became farther and farther away from my union with my husband. And somehow justified it all in my head because I thought I was not happy. But circumstances led me to leave my job. With no where to go, after being lost for about a month, I decided to pursue my art. Not knowing where it would lead...

Through all of this, I felt my first real betrayal from a friend. I learned that sometimes no matter how much you think you know someone, you can be way wrong. For the first time I lost trust. And this is something that I lost again throughout this year. It is something I still, everyday, learn to regain. Not only in others, but in myself as well. Through all of the heart ache and betrayal, I learned so much about myself. I learned I was not being the wife that I wanted to be, that God wanted me to be. I became angry with myself and very ashamed. I still do if I think about it. But I finally found a place where the grace of God came into my heart and calmed my soul. Much of it was remembering that I am human, and this set me up to have compassion for others when needed by their faults.

I thought that I grew alot the year after my mom died, but really I was just in another world. I read all the time, got all floaty in the clouds and only wanted to experience pure joy in the world. All I wanted to do was be free. Free from anyone's box. But I learned you can only be so free without hurting other people. I now think that I have learned far much more this year. I feel clearer in the head. I am not distracted by alcohol or lust or any of those things. I have turned to my family, my animals, my true friends, and my art.

I learned that my husband was much faster to forgive me than I was myself. He has been the biggest reason I did not just fall apart. He has taught me what loving someone really means. He has taught me how to be more self-less. By example he has shown me how to care for someone. He has had his moments though to, trust me.

But I have found myself so in love with my husband its crazy. Even through things I never thought I would experience. I am so glad I never gave up when I thought I wanted to. I understand now why my parents stayed together for so long, 26 years. There were times growing up when I thought for sure, they should not be together, but they always got passed it and stuck it out. And I am so glad my mom had my dad by her side through her sickness. Their love really shined through.

Within all of this 'life' stuff that happened this year, my business has blossomed. I got really involved with my etsy shop. I put my art in 3 stores. I have been featured on several blogs and interviews. I made it to etsy's front page over 20 times! I went from just a few sales to 114 on etsy, and from a few followers on my blog to 86 in the past month! You have no idea how blessed I feel to be doing this. I know today I had a bad day, but for the most part, I genuinely feel so blessed. I feel like my mother is watching down on me with a big smile.

She came to me in my dreams two nights ago...I saw her in the driveway and I got out of the car. We hugged each other so tightly and just smiled, and I just kept repeating to her over and over again, 'your my best friend'. It felt so real, I woke up immediatly after and could feel it all over again.

So, this year has been an interesting one. Full of real life situations. There is so much that I left out, but then this would be a book! One big highlight was meeting my friend Renea. She has shown me so much about myself. She is a real inspiration to me. I'll never forget the day I met her.

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much love

laura


God, Lift Me Up

I wanted to make a post of what I am thankful for...but I hate to admit it, I am a lump of sadness at the moment.

I was working on a quilt I made for Bella earlier today and I broke a Christmas ornament. I thought it was my parents first Christmas ornament from when they got married. I cried like a baby, twice, over it. I just realized that it was NOT that one, it was just a handmade one that looked like it. I felt so silly. But this incident brought on an ache for my mother like nothing else. I miss her so badly. I was looking through my photos on my Mybook and I hardly have any photos of us anymore. I lost them all when I lost all my photos last year. This is one of her and my brother, when she cut her hair short for the first time because she knew she was going to loose it to chemo. She always had such beautiful long hair and I never wanted her to cut it short, but when she did, she looked so adorable, I loved it.

I miss my brother too. He is away on another job. I hate it when he leaves. I hate that he is missing so much of his son's life because of work. I know he hates it too.

God, I feel like such a smuck to not saying thanks. I am thankful for sooooooo much, believe me. Maybe I will post my thankfulness after thanksgiving when I am feeling better. The list is LONG.




I love you mom.