Sometimes you have to BURN the past, to ILLUMINATE your now, to see the LIGHT of your future.
I love the water by our house at sunset. We came here after an emotionally upsetting afternoon the other day. We came down to our river access to dump our trash and I asked James if we could take a quick walk by the river before we went back home... I felt like I just needed to be close to the earth a little bit longer before going back to our house.
Earlier we went to my parents house to clean out a shed that we will be moving to our house, and almost immediately after arriving to their land I felt myself well up with anger. James asked me what was wrong within a few minutes of being there and I couldn't even look him in the eye or talk. I was boiling. He finally stopped me, made me look him in the eyes and tell him what was hurting me. I burst into giant tears and finally expressed how angry I was that we were selling my parents home. Up till then, I had only expressed sadness, but this was sadness and immense anger mixed in. I told him how angry I was that everyone in my life has told me that we need to sell the place and that we shouldn't live there. I know that hurt him, b/c he is one of the people. But I couldn't hold it in any longer. He held me and let me cry on his shoulder for as long as I needed to. As much as I didn't want to release that, it felt so good to.
I took this photo down by our river on our walk afterwards. I loved the way the sun was shining through my tear stained face. The past year has riddled me with knowing what to do with my parents house. My heart has been so torn with what I desire and what is feasible in reality, along with not being selfish with just my own feelings in the mix, b/c I am not the only person in my world. Money has been an issue. Emotions of my dad's suicide has been an issue. But losing this piece of my heart has also been a big issue.
People tell me all day long... its just house, your memories are in your heart. just take lots of photos. that was your parents dream, make your own. the list goes on and on and on, and honestly... none of them make me feel better. some of them even piss me off. Im probably alot more attached to things than alot of people, I'm sentimental as $%&*. Losing my parents was out of my hands, I couldn't control that. And now even though I feel like I should be able to, I can't control this either. It's been a long process, and as we really prepare to put the house up for sale, its becoming ever so real. Moving the shed for some reason feels final. It's a huge shed, and we are having to put up a good chunk of change just to get it to our house. It feels like once we do this, there is no turning back. I know that is not truth.. but there has to come a point where I feel content with this decision. I need to get to a point where I can walk away feeling a weight lifted, a freedom, a release. Right now, I just feel rage. That is the best word I can use. When I think of selling their home I feel my body clench and I want to put my fist through a wall. (and this is not a feeling I feel about anything very often)...
This may look gruesome to some... but these are some treasures I found while exploring in the woods while we were there. I had to check out for a bit while we were cleaning the shed, so while James finished up I took a walk through the woods. Everytime I do, I feel like Im in a magical world Im just discovering for the first time. I keep finding spots in the woods I never knew growing up. Or at least don't remember. And trees. Oh the trees Ive been finding. I could get lost in the woods for hours. I feel like my spirit bursts open when I'm in them.
I wrote this on my facebook wall the day we went out there...
"Since I cannot afford the dream of living in the magical piece of the world that was once my parents... Today I start the dream of manifesting a new magical piece of the world that I can call my own. I dream of one day living in a home surrounded by the woods with places of wonder that I can go to reconnect on a daily basis. A place where my one day children can roam and learn about nature. A place where I can feel truly free to just be. I may not be able to afford it now, and I am opening up a HUGE hole in my heart by letting my parents property go... but I will one day fill it back up with this dream of mine."
I feel like this is what I have to hold onto right now. This dream. There has got to be another side to this story.
I know my sweet friend was not expecting me to share this package with the world when she sent it to me, but it is just one that I really wanted to document for forever. This was so out of the blue, and the timing couldn't of been more perfect. When I first started opening this package right when we came through the door, James was talking to me and I realized quickly I was just going through the motions of opening packages like I usually do. They are usually just beads, so no need to think otherwise. But I stopped myself in my tracks with this one. I felt the specialness of it from the outside of the box, with the words 'The Healing Path' taped on it. Once we were done with our conversation, I excused myself from the room, and went into the studio, closed the door and slowly opened the box. Taking in each thing at a time. Upon opening it, the smell of my favorite incense in the world filled the room. Instantly reminded me of the love in my heart for my dear friend Rain. As I unfolded the thoughtful gifts inside the box I felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude, love, and soul-sister connection. I was almost in shock at how someone could possibly be so in sync with my needs, more than I even am. Its like her soul was whispering to me... 'friend, i see what you cannot see in this moment, and i thought you might could use these tools to help you along your path'. This is a gift. A true gift of soul. I felt heard, without even speaking.
The past two days Ive had very shady internet on top of my blog completely not opening for me... which in a way is very fitting for this new moon period. Although it did frustrate me b/c I really wanted to get the new moon info posted on the KV Reports page yesterday, I was not able to. So PLEASE just go straight to KV's You Tube channel and watch the New Moon in Virgo report as well as your individual sign reports, and if you want to go deeper, watch your rising sign and moon sign as well. My blog just started working again and I'm about to be baby sitting for the rest of the evening so I just wont have time to get it up otherwise.
The night before last I spent some time in my stick teepee as the sun was setting. I was going to journal, but I ended up just talking out loud to the universe instead. Which ends up being better than journaling for me most of the time. I spoke my heart, asked alot of questions, opened my heart for receiving and then pulled some cards. Which all ended up being major arcana, which doesn't happen very often. Needless to say it was a long, intense reading. Then I got shooed away by the deer. Two days in a row I actually made the deer in my backyard upset by being there. I think they were just being overprotective b/c they have young right now and one actually recently died somehow. So, I went back inside so they could have their peace grazing in the field without worrying about me. If only they knew I would just be their best buddy and cuddle them and give them food!
Then last night I took a long soak in the tub and re-read The Skeleton Woman chapter in Women Who Run With The Wolves. I love how the book is broken up into stories that you can go back and re-read. This is one of my favorite stories in the book and one that really helps me alot when I start to feel frazzled in relationship of any kind. And it being the new moon, the time of darkness, it felt like just the right time to read this chapter again. I relate so deeply with the stories in that book, and can identify them all in my own life one way or another. Such a sacred writing.
This new moon has been full of ups and downs. Really the past couple of weeks. I have found myself more irritated and frustrated than usual over very little things. Very re-active. Which is one thing Ive been trying to examine within myself, especially in relation to James. But the good thing about these shadow aspects coming to the surface full force is they are in your face, bold and identifiable, so that they can be examined and learned from. I am in a huge space of shedding more layers, letting go of toxic threads Ive held to people from my past, moving away from fears, allowing an opening to shift, and seeing all of the dark corners residing up inside me, just waiting to be plucked out, so I can sew up the energy leaks they have created in my soul. This is an pretty dark process, but one I feel is going to happen quicker than I think this time. My heart is preparing for a new phase in life, a huge shift in what is familiar. Scary, exciting, and the work must be done.
For tonite though, I am going to honor my moontime by laying on the couch with James, a movie and our friends baby. Hopefully, the baby agrees.