MOOREA'S 52 LISTS PROJECT

I have been following along with my friend Moorea's 52 Lists project as I can.  I decided to keep most of my lists private and just for myself and my own healing and transformation.  But this one I thought I would share b/c its more light and fun, and I wanted to spread the word about her amazing project before it gets too deep in, b/c I think everyone would benefit from it.  Im a list person, so as soon as I saw her post about it, I got a wee bit excited b/c I love making lists.  I wasn't able to jump right in at the time, so I have gone back and printed out all of the lists up until about a week ago, so you can do the same if you are behind and feeling like you cant start b/c you haven't been doing it each week.  I tend to get behind on almost every online project or e-course I ever do.  So I always just know I can print things out and do them on my own time, and that works for me.  I realized a while back there is no point in pressuring myself to keep up with anyone else, b/c this is my own process. 

So, back to Moorea's lists.  They are pretty life changing, even in little ways.  Some are more deep thinking and some are more light and simple like this one.  But each one gets you really thinking about yourself, and your personal growth and development, which I think is good for anyone.  If anything, it helps you to feel more connected with yourself.  I think the more connected we are with ourselves, the more we can honestly and opening connect with others.  So I think what Moorea is doing is great.  And I know she is going to be doing some big change the world kind of things in her life.   

*My photo layout above is directly inspired by her layouts.* 

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Go checkout her 52 Lists Project here. 

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On another note, I hope everyone went to check out their horoscope with KV yesterday.  They are some seriously amazing reports.  And if you missed it, there are some really good releasing and grounding rituals, along with some free art! 

DADDY

Last night as I was laying in bed I couldn't stop thinking about my daddy.  (I drank hot chocolate before bed, so it was a long time before I fell asleep :)  And for the first time in a long time, I was able to really think about him with a huge smile on my face.  Not a face full of tears and heartache.  Sometimes I honestly avoid thinking about him, b/c it just hurts so much.  Memories came rolling in about the things he used to do.  The silly way he was.  My dad was a very silly man.  He had the most insanely odd sense of humor Ive ever known in anyone.  The things he made jokes out of would send most people running for the hills, and I loved it.  He had so many little quirks.  Little things he would do with his hands when he talked or was in a goofy mood.  Little things he would do with his voice.  He gave all of our cats the longest strangest 'pet' names.  He was his own unique being, different from anyone Ive ever met.   And the most creative person I will ever know.  He oozed creativity.

He had very strong piscean energy.  He had amazing, sort of other worldly characteristics and moods, a huge heart for the people he felt loved by and for animals, a gentle soul.  As well as moments of desperate despair, self hate, and acting out in anger from deep buried childhood wounds.  When I was younger it was rough around our house alot.  Usually centering around my brother, and I grew up feeling an enormous amount of guilt that he was the one who endured the weak parts of my dad.  There were periods of my life when I questioned whether or not my dad was a good man.  I was confused by the contradictions of his sweet soul and his anger and distance at times.  But I always knew he was a very good man with alot of hurt in his heart, and the hurt is what was showing when he showed those sides, and I felt so much empathy for him.  And I share the same empathy for my brother who endured a much different life than I did.  I have been a witness to watching both of these special men in my life, blossom into beings who I completely admire and respect for so many reasons.  They have both shown me how to grow through adversity in a world that is not always equal for all.  They have shown me that just because you have some really hard patches in your life, doesn't mean that is who you are, or who you have to remain.  I am in complete awe of my brother who is holding down an amazing, highly intelligent job, and raising a five year old son all by himself.  It's alot of work and he is doing it so well.  He continually amazes me.  My family has alot of women in it, and my dad and my brother are the two men who Ive had to look up to in my life, and I'm honored that its them. 

Since my dad decided to take his own life, I have been buried with emotions of sadness, anger, guilt, emptiness.  So many different hard to understand feelings.  I felt a huge lightness come over me after releasing his ashes on new years eve.  But still at times, I find myself overwhelmed with these feelings.  I felt guilt for not being there for him as much as I should of after my mom died.  I went through alot of my own craziness, twists and turns in relationships, and a general period of mistrust to the point I didn't even want to leave my house.  I will always feel I should of hung out with him more, taken him out to do more things.  I know I did.  I did alot of things with him, but I still feel I could of done more.  But at the same time, those few years after my mom died, was the closest I ever became with my dad.  Before then, my mom was always the one I would talk to about personal things.  And my dad actually became that person.  It was a dynamic I never thought I would have with him.  We talked on the phone alot, and he would tell me all about the relationships he was 'trying' to have, and I would tell him all about what was going on with me.  Ill never forget the ways we were able to open up to each other during those 3 years.  I actually got to witness my dad 'finding' himself.  He was married to my mom for 26 years, and for the first time he had to learn what life was like alone, and actually face himself, his fears, and his regrets.  And at the same time, learn what really made him tick, and what made him come alive.  I literally saw him blossom before my eyes.  And through the stretch we all had to endure of watching my mom die of cancer, he showed his love nature in the most amazing ways, one of which was hand crafting his own wifes coffin.  He was a carpenter, and this was such a monumental moment for him to share his craft in this way.  We were all so proud of him for being able to do it.

I will never stop being impressed with my dad.  The way he lived his life doing what he loved with his hands.  The way he would teach himself how to do something if he had no clue how to do it.  His sense of humor.  His love for music and friends.  His love for his dog Noogs.  The things he taught me growing up.  His hardworking ways.  So many things.  I can still hear him calling me 'kiddo' in my mind.  He was the only one that called me that.  I hope that I can continue having more and more moments of remembering him with a huge smile on my face.  I want to get past all feelings of anger and guilt so I can freely communicate with him without those walls Ive built.   

My daddies life story is one full of heartache, trials and tribulations, love, learning, loss, creativity, goofyness, providing, enduring, expressing... the list goes.  A very human experience for a being that was out of this world.   I am so glad he was my dad.

HEART & SOUL

I found this poster at a local thrift store and just about squealed when I did.  The image is an old photo of Josephine Street Cafe in San Antonio, and in the background you can see my mother, who was a waitress there when this photo was taken.  Before my time of conception even came about.  I have an old print of it that my mom had.  And I had no idea it was ever turned into a poster!  Hands down, the best thrift find Ive ever come across!  I wish my mom could see it, she would of been so excited! 

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Lately I have found myself with a heavy heart.  Even on my good days, they still feel laced with heaviness.  My husband has too.  I think we are both in a place of transition in our lives.  In our 30's, loving our lives, but still dreaming of other places and things we want to be doing, but feeling tied down by financial responsibilities.  And the weight of big, life altering choices, is very hard for both of us.  Neither of us are the type to just leap and see where we land.  We are both very goal oriented and security oriented.  Which is fine for now, since we are taking this time to just dream.  Dream of where we want to be, what we want to be doing, etc.  I know James is dreaming of the little girl he wants to have... Im dreaming of living out at my parents house, and the things Id love to do out there.   

Im also dreaming of things that are to come with this blog of mine.  Things I want to share.  And also dealing with the emotions that come along with having others mimic my sacred space here.  Im still learning how to cut the emotional cord that drains me of my energy when this happens.  Learning to see the value in the lessons these kinds of people have to offer me.  Learning the layers of myself that still need peeling from old and fresh wounds of this kind. 

Much deeper than either of these things, I have things on my heart that are just much too personal to talk about online.  But they are serious things I need to heal within myself.  Im pretty sure I am going to start some counseling soon for this.  It scares me a little to do that.  But Im realizing after so long of this part of me not coming to light, I cannot do it on my own.  I need someone to help guide me through it. 

One thing that has been kind of interesting lately is that ever since I did the releasing ceremony on new years eve with my dads ashes, I no longer dream about just him, or just my mom.  They both seem to be in most of my nightly dreams, just there, together, like they have always been there.  Its comforting to always see them together.  And since then, I have felt a huge sadness leave their home and property.  It feels like it is slowly being restored back to harmony, and the birds are the ones gathering and spreading seeds of new life.   

LOVINGKINDNESS TO A FRIEND

Yesterday, the sweet soul behind the Apothecary Circle, Laura Emily had two emotionally upsetting events occur... ones that would of for sure have sent me into a wild fit of rage and sorrow and fall to the floor helpless kind of feeling.  Which I can only imagine that she felt all of these things too.  My friend Katelyn invited me to join along with her in a releasing ceremony, to send loving healing vibes Laura's way.  You can see how Katelyn chose to send her love

here

.  I loved her intention of having 13 crystals, representing Laura, her husband Tyler, and the 11 babies she has now miscarried.  So I gathered 13 mountain laurel seeds.  These are the little seeds my mother leaves me from time to time.  To me they are one of the most sacred things on earth.  As I cleansed them with sage, I sent many loving words your way Laura.  I had a little heart to heart with you.

I brought my sacred sexuality candle with me outside since there was no light outside, being the new moon.  I thought Laura would like that since it would have

Athena's

love in there too.

I buried them in the ground, and I spoke some more words to you Laura, letting you know these seeds are being planted for you tonite, under the new moon, and it reminded me of the post I shared this morning on

the bohemian collective

, about the balance of death and life.  The cycle of something passing, making room to sow new seeds.  Although I'm sure you are sick of that cycle...  I am too, just in other ways... But I put the love of new beginnings in this dirt.  And then I sealed it with wax from Athena's candle. 

You were held today, by both katelyn and I, digging our hands in the earth.  Thank you for being a teacher to us, in so many ways.

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