Today was my first day in a week I have had the house all to myself. My friend Katelyn and her family came to stay with me this past week, and it was full of not only good and fun moments, but also lots of heartache, sick babies, and tension. Sometimes life is just that way, and knowing that you can be friends through those tough moments is a wonderful feeling. It was not the best time for either of us and I'm pretty sure there were quite a few moments we both wanted to run and hide in a corner due to outside stresses. But we fought our way through the obstacles of the week, got our photoshoots done, had many heart to hearts, had to time to be together alone for one day which was the first time that has ever happened, made lots of really yummy homeade food, and more.
It is also the week of my moontime and I am highly sensitive and emotional right now. Really I have felt this way for a while now. I feel like each time I come to my blog I leave hints of it behind, but don't really feel like going in depth, or showing my true feelings, b/c honestly it's pretty dark right now. I'm going through alot of my own shadowlands, dealing with letting go, death, relationship, wounds, and more. I am in my own wintering, a deeper transformation, yet another layer of my being that is screaming to be shed. I read little momentos all over the web that say, just let go of your past, be in the now. But I am finding that very hard. I feel there are wounds in me that I have turned my head to for far too long, and if I don't go in there and excavate them now, they are only going to bury themselves deeper in my spirit, which is feeling a bit numb right now b/c it knows the road ahead is the wild unknown. I am learning that true healing is not a matter of just looking the other way and letting things heal themselves, b/c for me, they don't. My family history has taught me to look the other way, and I cannot do that anymore.
The feeling of missing the boat keeps creeping in, but I just keep reminding myself of the line in my birthchart that tells me there is never a boat to be missed. It is all in divine timing, and what I do not know yet, I do not know for a reason. I think we are so complex as humans that if all of the things we are here to learn on this earth were given to us all at once, would just spontaneously combust or something.
Anyway... having some me time this morning, with the rain outside... I decided to put on some Doc Watson and rearrange in my studio a bit to make it come alive again. This is a necessary and frequent thing I must do for myself to keep my creativity alive. I put this wooden shelf on my desk a little while back and for the most part is was just for function. I had most of my utensils and stuff on it, but everytime I looked at it, it kind of depressed me. I love the shelf, its one my dad made just for his powders for his pottery. I decided to take everything down and rearrange all of my utensils among things that make my heart come alive. It is now the perfect blend of function and soulful beauty. I also hung my two new prints of Dylan and Janis I got from Earthbound Trading. I love these two photos of them, the one of Dylan looks like my dad, and the one of Janis looks like my aunt. This space feels alive to me again.
Thank you solitude. Thank you rain. Thank you Doc. Thank you special momentos.
