I AM ENOUGH

Lately this has been on my mind alot... allowing others negative talk get you down.  And not even from anything that has happened to me recently... more just what I see online through others.  I think seeing it circulate though, might of brought up old wounds within myself.  Which may be why they stood out to me.  Then last night, I realized the most negative talk I receive personally comes straight from myself.  I have had some back and forth feelings lately that are kind of down and out, and last night I decided to journal out the 'Lies' that I tell myself.  It did not take me long to fill up a whole page.  And even after that, the thoughts kept flooding in. 

There is enough life sucking energy that you can absorb through others, whether its online or through face to face relationships... if we allow them to.  Throughout my life I have had friends and lovers decide to drop me after the smallest of things would happen or leave me for someone else.  I am sure everyone has experienced this at least once, and I'm sure I have even done this to others.  I know I have.  I do think its a part of learning relationships and learning how to still love yourself through it, and have compassion for the other even when it hurts.   I have even had people not want to be close to me because of who I am friends with, because they are not good enough.  But I realized last night, it may still have a thread connecting itself to my psyche.  A little seed that was planted each time that says... 'Laura, your not good enough'.  Or... you weren't smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough, etc. etc. 

I just really want to see judgement slip away.  The biggest place, from myself.  Beyond all the petty stuff that others may place on us, we can easily be our own worst critic.  Looking at the list I made last night, some of those things I realize have been shaping me, molding me into something other than what I truly desire to be.  Keeping me from a place of light and pure love.  It's super easy for me to love others, and as much as I would like to think I love myself, there are still so many things I tell myself in my head that I would never tell a friend.  So why am I telling myself those things?  These things are not truth.  They have been keeping my true self at bay and I feel her wanting to rip her clothes off and fight tooth and nail until all of those lies are buried in the ground.

You may have noticed I have not been sharing as much personal stuff lately here on the blog as I usually do.  I think a part of it is because of this.  I am feeling very blocked in my voice right now.  Even writing this out, makes me want to just delete it.  But I feel I must let it go.  Face my current truth.  And reach out... to you.  Do you experience this too?  What do you do to get yourself away from these thoughts?  I am ready to face myself, as the image above would suggest.  (It's a preview from an upcoming lookbook)... I dont feel this way all the time.  Most of the things I wrote down I didn't even realize I thought until I started journaling it.  I think there are things we carry with us on a daily basis that we don't even realize are there.  And I hate to think those buried thoughts are keeping us from our highest potentional. 

Collectively, let's start with this one simple affirmation for ourselves (daily): I AM ENOUGH.

Don't ever let someone else tell you that you are not good enough.  Smart enough. Educated enough. Pretty enough.  Strong enough.  Skinny enough.  Healthy enough.  Spiritual enough. Whatever your ______ enough may be.  And even though it may be hard, lets try not to tell ourselves these things anymore either.   

Do you have a personal affirmation you need to tell yourself?  Want to share it?  Leave a link to your photo below.

INSTALOVE // FRIENDS

Just a few images from this past week, including being in austin with Robin... seeing my nephew for a few minutes... Katelyn & Makenna coming to bandera... spotting the cutest squirrels outside the art museum...  etc.  I haven't been taking nearly as many phone photos this past week as I usually do.  But I'm happy to have these to remember these moments by. 

INSTALOVE

1. one of two hawks I saw this week
2. me and james, and his beautiful baby blues
3. bella and coffee, lots and lots of coffee
4. a sweet birthday gift from my friend over at Gypsies Caravan
5. james preparing cabobs
6. dried oregano i pulled out of my compost b/c it was so beautiful
7. my mood most of the week, so glad its passing
8. the moon dreamcatchers that were preordered went out
9. seashell chime i made from gifted seashells from Gypsies Caravan
10. writing in my new moon book from Aquarius Nation

Can I just say, what a week this has been.  For me its been full of emotions, being tired, but still having my brain go in a million directions.  Im starting to see the clearing beyond the trees and Im just so happy this week is coming to a close.  I guess.  Its odd working from home for myself I kind of forget about Fridays being that anticipated day.  I do remember that feeling though.   

Twice this week we came upon beautiful hawks while driving.  The one in the image above was far away and I only had my phone camera on me, so it is blown up and blurry, but you can still see him.  The second one there was no way to capture b/c of the road we were on, but oh my!  He was on a tree right along the side of the road so I was able to see up close for a flash second all of his beautiful colors.  It was a red tail hawk.  So remarkable.  This morning I found an owl feather in my yard.  I have never seen an owl in person, and rarely do I ever hear one here at this house.  You can hear them at my parents alot, but I think Ive only heard one here once or twice in the distance.  I wish I could of seen how it got in my yard.  If it was right in my yard, or if the wind carried it along to me.  I found it as I was watering and feeding the wild birds, so it felt like a beautiful exchange. 

In case you missed it, I have been blogging a bit over on the boho blog section, so go check it out if you want.  We have a new lookbook coming soon!  I can't wait to share it. 

Also, there is a giveaway going on that is hosted by Datevitation through the whole month of july, its a good one!

Today we are releasing 4 new Skyline Fever designs!  So so excited.  Some of my alltime favorites so far!  Check back later for those.  There are still so many pretties in James shop right now. 

FIREWORKS & HARD LIFE CHOICES

Last night we watched the fireworks display they do every year at the lake in Lakehills.  It's always the day after the 4th b/c its really a celebration of two birthday's of folks that are neighbors down at the lake, convienently close enough to the 4th to do this.  They put alot of passion into it too, its quite an amazing show! 

I pretty much took photos the whole time.  And once I got them on my computer I was completely in awe at the complexity of it.  I love how abstract some of them came out.  They remind me of galaxies, and the lit up deep sea creatures.  Absolutely fascinating.  I couldn't help but think of my dad the whole time I edited these, I think he would love these photos.  He loved fireworks and he loved colorful abstract crazy art.  He even surprised me with a fireworks show at our wedding.  He was always sneaky like that.  Always.   

The past two days have been a bit of down time for me.  Approaching this new moon in Cancer, my moontime, and solar flares... I think its all got me in this kind of sluggish, sad feeling kind of wave.  No need to worry, I'm all good.  These times come and go.  I usually start to retreat into my shell a few days before my moontime, its just a cycle.  I have been following for a while now how my moods and body behavior correlate with the ebb of the moon, which in a way, eases my mind about it when I get to feeling this way.  I always know this too shall pass.  I know there are some things in my life right now that I truly must 'feel'.  Be in, and not turn away from.  The idea of letting go of my parents home has been huge on my heart this month, and the past few days especially so.  I have this inner feeling that this is the way to go, and it hurts.  There will be no getting around the pain of it, it must be felt.  Prolonging it will only deepen it.  Money has been the biggest factor holding us back, but also, there are emotional things too.  The idea of pulling into the driveway everyday where I found my dad after committing suicide.  As much as I want to believe I could handle that, I honestly don't know until I do it.  Day after day, month after month, year after year.  And the property itself is huge and will take alot of maintenance, and I have to get real with myself about whether or not James and I can take that on or not.  I'd like to think I could, but then again Ive been saying I want to develop a real garden here at this house for two years now, and barely anything has happened.  I'm not sure if that is me not fully settling in here, or just laziness.  These are things that are hard to know the answer to unless you are fully immersed in it, you know.  My heart has felt so torn for 6 months now.  Really, two years, but more seriously the past 6 months.  A week from now will mark two years since my dad has been gone.  Two years.  It's kind of hard to wrap my head around.  I wish so badly that both my mom and dad were here for me to ask them what to do.  Face to face, hug to hug.  Everyone in the world can give me their opinion about it, but what I really want is theirs.  From the experience of living there and maintaining the place all of their lives.  I know I grew up there, but that is soooo different than being the one in charge.  It kind of feels like a huge spider web, and at every intersection there is another idea, emotion, way to look at it, way to feel about it.  I'm slowly working my way to the center of the web, hoping to god I find the answer in the center.  Ive been walking side by side with patience for a long time.  But in reality money is wearing thin and time is ticking.  We had to put the majority of what weve been saving for the past year for a car towards the land taxes, and I dont know where well get the money for next year if things don't really pick up with business.  That is just a reality.  So we don't have a few years to sit on it.  To wait it out and see how we feel another year or so from now.  Im coming to a crossroads where a real hard decision has to be made, and it overwhelms me with sadness and fear of making the wrong choice.   

I feel like I just really needed to write that out.  Put it into the void, as Meg Ryan would say.  Thank you for simply bearing witness.