A WEEK OF {RE}MEMBERING...

It has already been one week since my "Hitting my reset button" post... I actually didn't even realize during this time that I haven't blogged in a whole week.  Which is very unlike me.  I'm not sure where the fear comes from of not blogging regularly.  Maybe that people will forget about you?  Or that you will lose momentum altogether and just become uninterested?  Even though I don't blog 'business' related stuff all that often, and this blog is more of a personal behind the scenes of my daily life, in a way it can really feel like a 'job' at times when you are constantly trying to 'keep up'.  With what?  I'm not sure.  But going a whole week and not even stressing about it has been so good.  I have been filling my days up with so much more this week.

This has been the BEST thing I could of ever done for myself and I truly hope that the changes I am making continue on once my life does pick its pace back up and I become full heartedly involved in my next magazine issue, or creating a new collection for Roots & Feathers, or whatever my 'busy' looks like.  I pray that I continue to integrate what I am learning now within those times too.  But I think it has been so very important for me to take a real, long break.  I have said no to so many wonderful opportunities already this past week.  Or not necessarily a NO, but a not right now... But, sometimes in this fast paced world, saying Not Right Now could mean that offer moving right along to the next and never looking back your way.  And I have allowed myself to be okay with that.  If its a collaboration that is really worth something, it can wait.

I have been overjoyed with the comments and emails I have been receiving about my decision to take a pause.  You guys make me feel so supported and I want to thank you for all of the encouragement and reaching out you have done.  It has meant so much and truly filled me up. 

The first day I was off I worked on a project I had thought about for a good while.  Taking down all of my mom's stuff off of this shelf my dad built.  She had it in her sewing room, and when I transferred it over to my home I put all of her stuff back up on it.  This room used to be my studio at that time, but its been a long time since its been a functioning room of any kind.  Right now it is just to used to workout in.  This shelf feels so out of place in there and I realized it was time for me to take her things down and fill up with my own life.  I have plans to move it from this room to our living room and to paint it a fresh new color and then fill it will all my own little trinkets.  This will also help alleviate my clutter problem.  I will be able to move alot of the small objects I have all over all my desks and countertops to this shelf to be nicely displayed.  I think it is just going to be an overall good move.

After I got the shelf all cleared off I came across this photo below, of my parents sitting below this same shelf in their home (before it got painted).  I love that my dad made this shelf.  He was such an amazing craftsman, so to be able to showcase one of his pieces in my home just feels so good.  But the photo below was pinned on a board with the word "re member" on it.  It just felt like a connection with them, as I was making this transition with this shelf I felt like I was re-membering myself, and then I found this.  I will definitely be adding this photo to the shelf once it makes it into its new spot!

Speaking of my parents, this photo above was taken out at their place on one of our check-ins.  The leaves are falling in masses out there.  They have so many trees there that I don't have in my yard, so the leaves always look different.  I almost always walk away with a handful of leaves when I'm out there.  Two people just this week have gone to look at their house for sale.  It's still all very surreal, but its happening.  The process is in the works and people are requesting to see it. 

We have had a TON of fires this week.  The other day I woke up and made a fire and just kept putting logs on all day long, and I sat by the fire until it was time to go to bed.  It was incredible.  Just the day I needed.  And Bella quite enjoyed it too.

I made a batch of (slightly over roasted) rosemary almonds, which are sadly all gone now.  Can't wait to make some more.  I sort of devoured them.  Another huge shift that has happened this week during my downtime has been my diet.  For the past 5 or 6 days I have not had any grains, dairy (except eggs) or sugar (except a small amount of coconut palm in my morning cup off coffee).  I'm experimenting with eliminating some things to see if I can reverse a few health issues.  In just a short time I feel such a huge difference.  HUGE.  So far I have not given in, but I won't say it has been easy.  I knew this break time was going to lead to some life altering choices, I felt it in my bones, and each day something new is coming to me in my down time.  I keep feeling led to certain information and pieces of my puzzle are starting to fit together.  And it EXCITES me!

A moment of beautiful bits of light coming through the window, creating rainbows on the way, along with twinkle lights.

This has been my daily tonic for a few weeks now to combat allergies.  A cup of filtered room temp water with one whole lemon, 2 tbsps apple cider vinegar,  1 tbsp cinnamon and a shake of cayenne, with local honey to taste.  It tastes so yummy and has tons of health benefits.  I found it on the Farmer's Almanac site.  This, lots of water and green teas have been some of the ways Ive been nourishing myself everyday.

Yesterday I had one of the best days in a long time, although by the end of it my head hurt so bad I had to retire to the tub.  But I spent the day cleaning house, listening to good music, using my yummy face mask from Wild Honey Apothecary and making yummy nourishing meals. 

I scrubbed my floors with my hands.  I washed shelves and cupboards, baseboards.  Just really giving my home some love and attention.  I'm still not done b/c this process takes alot longer, so I only got to a few parts of the house.  But I am going to continue as I can each day.  My intention was to do the second half of the house this morning, but the world had other plans for me today and now I feel mentally wiped.

I got brave and dyed my hair.  I got rid of my ombre that I have had for several years now.  This was HUGE for me.  My hair has been like a security blanket for me.  It is all now dark brown and I'm still adjusting.  But I think I'm liking it more and more each day.

James surprised me with Neil Young's new album.  Already one of my favorites.

I remembered yesterday that I had a pomegranate bush growing in my backyard!  One was ripe enough to eat.  So I sat on my back porch and ate it for about an hour, b/c that is about how long it took to eat, ha ha.  It was wonderful.

Through this time I have still had do attend to work.  I finished a wholesale order up, Ive helped James make Skyline Fever shirts (which by the way we released a new one last week), Ive filled daily orders and answered about 50 emails.  I have just been spreading these things out and really taken down time in between, and staying offline as much as possible (except for instagram).  Allowing myself to be fully present if I am cooking, or doing the laundry, or eating a pomegranate.  This is where the shifting is occurring...

HITTING MY RESET BUTTON

Today I walked through a threshold.  One that I think I have been walking circles around for years, but never finding the courage to actually walk through.  It's a door called naked truth.  The truth that while I am in the middle of creating some of my biggest soul work to date, I am also losing self & the heartbeat of life.  Real living.  The kind of living that I fervently search for and seek out with the artisans and creatives that I share through my soul work, my magazine.  Over the past few months my creative life has shifted in huge ways.  I'm no longer sitting behind a desk creating beautiful bohemian pieces of jewelry.  I mean, I am to fill my orders that come in, but I have not created a new piece in months.  This use to be the thing that drove me.  The creation of the new piece.  Then the next new piece.  Then the next new collection, and on and on.  Now, I am spending my days searching for others who are doing similar things to what I no longer have the time to do, to fill the pages of my magazine.  I have taken a step back from the creator position, to the messenger position.  Of course, I am still creating, just in a different way.  Either way, things have shifted.  But I have not let go of anything completely.  So now, I am taking on being editor in chief of a magazine, being a jewelry designer as orders come through, being a full time blogger on two websites, creating lookbooks, being a fashion blogger, fulfilling millions of other little commitments that go along with each of these things, and being co-owner of my husband's thriving tshirt company, which keeps us busy most evenings.  

The things is, I am passionate about all of these things.  I have not let go of any of them b/c I love them all so much.  They each bring me joy in different ways, and have become such a part of my life.  But lately, I have been feeling my commitments becoming very overwhelming.  I find myself spending less and less time outdoors, and more and more time online, answering emails.  Even though I have so many wonderful things going on in my career I am beginning to feel a deep well of emptiness in life, outside of my career.  The things that mean so much to me... walks in nature, date nights, time spent with friends, making art for the sake of making art, writing from the soul, yoga and moving my body, spending time on nourishing my body with real food, dancing to music, hooping, just playing.  Doing things for play, and nothing more.  I cannot remember the last time I picked up a paint brush.  Its been years.  I feel like I have been chasing goal after goal after goal for years, and slowly, so slowly that I didn't even notice, things began to fall away.  People, interests, intimacy.

 
Something hit me yesterday, and life became more apparent than ever.  I need to stop, slow down, reevaluate, re-member, and start dancing again.  Dancing with life.  It's hard for me to find this balance.  It is my nature to strive and go, go, go.  It is my nature to be very career oriented.  It is my nature to be more serious, and hermit-like, which keeps me from reaching out to otherS and going out and enjoying more of life.  I am home bound most days, which in turn allows me to focus on my creations pretty much full-time, non stop.  I think the biggest thing that will change that one day will be having a baby.  But until then, this is my truth.  And I am ready to start rewriting that truth.  Or at least recognizing that truth so that I can create new scenarios.  I can challenge myself in new ways.  Less career focused and more self nourishing choices day to day.  I can't tell you how many lists I have made throughout the years, over and over, of all the things I would love to focus on.  It usually consists of things like gardening, learning to cook new and wholesome meals, riding my bike, yoga, meditation, creating art for the sake of art, date nights with my man, spending more time with friends, etc.  Things that seem pretty simple actually.  But all things that I continually allow to be pushed aside for all the deadlines I have created for myself in my career.  It can get confusing and messy when your creative endevours are your main source of income, because they are a must in many ways, just like any 'job' would be.  But the lines get easily blurred when you work from home and don't define actual working times, or when your office is in your living room.  Life and work are constantly mixing together for me, and at times like now I wake to realize I have allowed the work part to bleed over too much into the life/play/nourish part. 

So, I have decided to step back a bit.  I am cancelling my winter magazine issue, which is very hard for me to even say.  I already had pretty much the entire issue mapped out and everyone emailed, and now I must go back and say I'm sorry to so many people.  But a good friend told me today that I'm not saying 'No', I'm just saying 'Not right now'.  I really needed that perspective.  My perfectionist and career oriented brain feels like I'm giving up.  But I'm not giving up, I'm just setting a new boundary for myself.  One that will open up new doors and release old baggage.  At least that is what I am hoping for.  I haven't really taken a break in 5 years.  I still have numerous commitments that I will attend to, things I already said yes to.  I am already so far behind on so many.  But allowing myself to say no to this winter issue gives me a few months to not have that also on my plate.  I will still be working in ways b/c well, I have to pay my bills and eat.  So I am not bowing out completely, and will still be present online, it just may be in different ways.  

I'm ready to return to me.  To get back to smiling and loving life more than feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.  Chasing dreams is a wonderful thing, but sometimes you have to rest and recharge.  I am hitting the reset button.

A REASON, A SEASON OR A LIFETIME

The time has come that I have dreaded for over 3 years now.  My parents home is officially up for sale.  Lately I have met myself with all sorts of emotions about things in life.  The reality of certain people, places and things only being in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Sometimes these things are easy to let go of, and sometimes they feel so hard to let go of that it might take a lifetime, or two or three, to move on from them.  Even when you know in your heart that closing that door will be the best thing for you to truly move on in life.  I'm finding in some areas of life, those doors may just be too damn heavy for me to close all the way, and that I have to learn to dance with life when the light fades through the cracks and I'm faced with only my heart thoughts in the darkness.  Dancing in the dark can be thrilling, but it can also be messy.  You can stumble over things you didn't know were there, fall and scrape your knees, sometimes knock yourself out unconscious if you fall just right. 

These messy parts though, I don't entirely mind the discomfort that they bring.  They are full of life.  Maybe not the I'm-so-happy-I-just-want-to-sing-while-I-sweep-the-floors kind of life, but there is a tale of life within them.  Life is both that lucky ol' sun who gets to roll around heaven all day, and also the shadows that blanket the earth, revealing the parts of our hearts that go unseen by the light of the moon.

This is me, standing in witness of my need to dance in the dark right now. 

VELVET, A SWEET ANGEL

This full moon weekend brought all kinds of unexpected events.  Saturday morning I was sitting on my bench outside, drinking my coffee, sketching out ideas for the magazine, with bella by my side.  I was out there for a little over an hour and the entire time I heard a kitten off in the distance crying non stop.  It broke my heart but I figured its mama was just out to get food.  Fast forward to that evening and I realized it was still crying, although it sounded like it was farther away.  James and I searched all over the woods and finally found out where the sound was coming from, a nearby brush pile outside of our fence.  I realized the sound was not farther away, it was just a weaker cry.  As we got closer we weren't even sure it was a kitten b/c the cry sounded so mangled.  My mama instincts kicked in high gear and I dug through the pile of brush until I could see where it was.  And there it was, a single baby kitten, with its eyes still closed and umbilical cord still dangling on... I picked it up and held it close, freaking out inside on what the right thing to do was.  I knew we didn't have anything to feed it, and I worried the mama would come back to find it gone.  I panicked and put it back and checked on it about an hour later and it was still there crying the best it could.  I couldn't take it any longer so I cuddled it back up and called James mom to see if any stores in Lakehills were still open that late at night.  Nothing was so we drove the half hours drive to the nearest walmart to get some milk replacement, an eye dropper and a heating pad.  I tried feeding it the whole way home but it was barely able to swallow at this point.  I could feel it getting weaker and weaker as we drove.  I can't remember ever feeling so focused on one thing in my life.  I sung to it, and prayed, and held it close.  Within 5 minutes of being back home the sweet angel passed away in my hands.  At that point I knew I did the right thing b/c it would not of made it through the night outside alone.  It was almost a full ounce under the average birth weight of a newborn kitten.  I'm sure something either happened to the mama in transition of moving her litter, or she knew something was wrong with this baby.  I'm just so glad that it was held through its transition and not all alone at night. 

Last night James and I held a little funeral for Velvet.  (I had already named her, she instantly reminded me of the velveteen rabbit).  I laid her to rest among some lavender, rose petals, a crystal, a butterfly friend to teach her about transformation and a mountain laurel seed from my mama, so she could show her around.  I feel like she is safe.  We put her right under the angel statue we recently moved from my parent's land, my mama's angel. 

I was amazed how quickly we could become attached to this little creature.  James and I both shed tears throughout the weekend.  The next morning James woke up and put his arms out wide for a hug and just said... 'velvet'.  It was so sweet to see the way it affected him too.  At first he was freaking out and upset at the idea of bringing a new cat into the house, but I realized later it was just a mask to hide the hurt of possibly losing it and not knowing how to deal with it. 

And THEN I read my horoscope from Aquarius Nation (the cancer one) and was floored to see how this event related to her reading, and how spot on it was.  This was meant to happen.  I am constantly amazed at how the universe works.

Sunday I found myself so contemplative and depressed, for just about the entire day.  I felt so heavy it was hard to move.  But I did some writing and fully felt what was suppose to be felt, and I know it had its purpose.  Then in the afternoon we had plans to go meet up with some friends for lunch, and I'm so glad I didn't cancel.  It was just about the best afternoon of conversations with people Ive had in so long.  It was full of life, laughter, tears, and inspiration.  We both left with napkin lists of movies to watch and music to listen to.  It was exactly what I need to pull me out of the dark.  This weekend has left me with a huge sense of humanity, connection to all things and my own cycles of life and death.