Transitions

You guys, I miss blogging. I know this platform is pretty much dead, at least it feels like it started dying out a few years ago... and social media like instagram + facebook has made it so easy to share life in bite size pieces within minutes. Blogging takes time, time that I usually feel like I don't have anymore. But I still miss it. I feel like I come back into this space every few months with a renewed attempt to start back up again, and then life. Life happens. And this may be another case, but then again, maybe I can find a way to make it ease back into my life. I miss the old days of blogging when I really felt like community, and I created some of the raddest friendships b/c of it. I mean, that is still happening over on ig + fb too, but something about the blog world felt so special about 5 years ago or so. All of that to say, I'm popping in here to blog today. Will it be another 5 months before I do again? Maybe. But maybe it will be tomorrow, who knows? 

Somehow, I now have a 2 year old. How did that even happen? I'm still not sure. But it did. Ava has been literally the best thing to happen to me, and to James. She has changed the meaning of life in so many ways for me. I let alot of things go over the past 3 years. Some of it is returning, and some of it isn't. Some just looks different than it used, and that is ok. I've become alot less attached to things and the way they go. Motherhood has definitely taught me to go with the flow as much as possible. 

For the past few months I have felt like I am going through another deep transition in life. They seem to come in waves, and usually occur around eclipse seasons and retrogrades for me. We are currently in the thick of that season and I definitely feel it. Some long needed healing came into my life recently by the grace of the universe and I feel enormously grateful to have had the space to clear my throat chakra of years of debris. I was reminded that things are not always as they seem, that letting go and cutting cords sometimes requires another perspective, and that women are truly fucking bad ass resilient creatures and that is so empowering. I also was able to give myself more forgiveness for the past, to love others deeper than before, to feel a tremendous amount of compassion for another and to gain my inner confidence back in the face of feeling small. It's amazing what can happen when we get over the fear of opening up and come together to heal wounds. 

I feel like I have been in search of my old self for a while now. But maybe I have just been looking to find my new self within this new phase of life. It's taking looking alot deeper, past my extra body weight, my clothes that don't fit right, my constantly messy hair + floors. I'm peeling back the layers continually, being able to see myself through my inner light the way others do. It's not always easy, I'll admit. 

Already after writing this, I really do want to get back to this space. I can't tell you what to expect. Probably alot of just life, like this. Alot of Ava Pearl, b/c well, she's just the cutest thing ever. Most likely alot of oily stuff b/c I'm obsessed and they are some of my best companions for emotional support + wellness. Maybe even some fun DIY's. Who knows. But I do know I'll share the links on my fb when I do post, so just stay with me over there if you don't want to miss one. 

QUESTION:  Have you felt any huge shifts in your life lately? If so, tell me about the them. I'd love to hear your stories, as if we were sitting across the couch from each other or gathered around a campfire drinking whiskey gingers. 

Full Moon Bath

It's been a hot minute since I have been in this space. I have been feeling the itch to get back to my blog, even if just every now and then for personal updates. I think I was trying to stuff myself inside a box by blogging just about mommy moments here in this space, and I need more than that in my life, and there is nobody telling me that I can't just blog whatever the heck I want, when I want. Why do we impose these silly rules for ourselves when it doesn't even matter? So here I am, showing up in all my random glory.

Today is the full moon in Capricorn. I'm not gonna lie, this moon phase has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been deeply emotional, longing for the past, while trying to break through barriers of the here and now. I am needing personal space, silence, and to not be needed for like a day. I'm also feeling resistant to things I know I need to change with myself. The grief of my parents has been circling back around as well. And I am feeling a deep sadness within some of my friendships. Just a few layers of self + relationship that is processing in my heart. When I go through these periods I always know there is another side to it. I feel like I am Persephone in the underworld. It's another cycle of unearthing, unraveling, illuminating the dark, singing to the bones. 

Some of my favorite tools for self reflection are above. My bath time is so sacred to me. Anytime I feel like I need to connect with self + spirit, I go to the water. I use an old shudder that came off my parents house as a bath tray. My specific tools change each time according to how I am feeling. This time it was Sacred Frankincense + Inner Child oils, a rose quartz crystal, a bath bomb, sage + palo santo, tea lights, my medicine woman cards and a glass of whiskey ginger. Oh and some yummy charcoal soap + mirah oil for my face. Pampering, tuning in, exhaling, releasing, quieting to allow myself to hear my inner calls. All of this is so necessary for me. What is that thing for you? What do you do to connect to self + spirit? I know this looks different for everyone, and I love that. It's so personal and there are no rules (at least in my world). I'd love to hear what you keep in your 'toolkit'. 

The Grammy Tree

Yesterday afternoon, just a few hours before the new moon, we planted a tree for Ava.  Mountain Laurel's hold a special place in the heart of my family ever since my mom passed away.  We believe the little red seeds are little gifts from her. We let Ava pick one out at the nursery a few weeks ago.  We wanted to plant it on her first birthday, but since it's in the middle of summer we decided to go with a nice spring new moon instead.  She watched her daddy dig the hole in fascination, and then we let her put her little hands on it before we put it in the ground.  We buried her umbilical cord under it along with ashes from my dad, and our cat + dog who recently passed away, Bella + Violet.  This will be her tree to grow alongside with. 

The Origin of Her Name

Ava Pearl has been destined to come into this world long before I ever anticipated her to.  Her name is proof of that to me.  When James and I were dating, about 8 months along, he proposed to me.  I had no idea it was coming when he took me on a date downtown San Antonio.  Even when we walked up to the Little Church of La Villita where my parents tied the knot, did I even suspect.  But right there on the steps of that church, he popped the question.  Even more to my unknowing, many of our loved ones knew what was happening.  James had asked my parents, my Nanna, his parents, my best friend & his best friend at the time all for their blessing to marry me!  I couldn't believe it.

Rewind to a few days before... James and I were having the 'if we ever babies what would we name them' talk.  He told me he loved the name Ava.  Partly b/c of Angels and Airwaves, but he also just really loved the name and how the letters flowed together.  At the time I thought it was sweet, but definitely not on my list of names I had been hoarding since I was in my teens.  (anyone else do that???)

Fast forward to the morning after he proposed to me.  My parents took me out for celebratory breakfast tacos.  My mom was so giddy and full of joy that her baby girl was getting married.  Over breakfast with pure delight she told me that she just couldn't help but to lay awake all night thinking of baby names for us!  Ha ha, jumping the gun a little???  She was so excited.  She said she was reading a book and came across a really long name (I wish I could remember what it was now), but she said it started with AVA and she thought it sounded to pretty.  I couldn't believe that her and James both came up with the same hypothetical baby name within a few days of each other without knowing it.  So from that moment on, Ava has been our name picked out if we ever had a girl.  We lost my mom to cancer just 4 short months after getting married, so this one day baby girl name felt even more special when we finally got to use it almost 9 years later. 

Her middle name was changed a few times.  At first James wanted it to be Claire b/c he has had a long time boy crush on Claire Danes.  But I talked him out of that. ;)  I have always loved the name Pearl, and it has always reminded me of my mom.  She loved that name too.  When she was a little girl she came across a Poor Pitiful Pearl doll at the store and she told her mom that she wanted to take that doll home b/c she thought no one else would want her.  She loved the unloved from the beginning.  She also loved Janis Joplin who's nickname is Pearl.  And my birthstone is Pearl (and it was almost Ava's too).  Once I started saying the names Ava Pearl together I just knew it was right.  James fell in love with it too.  We love it so much that we call her Ava Pearl most of the time instead of just Ava. 

I just love that her little name feels so special.  This was a story I wanted to write down for her to have one day.