A noticing of where the light is returning:
Colorful blossoms adorning my home, some gifted to me, some I bought for myself. Watching the way some are more resilient than others, some beg to be preserved, and some ask me to surrender and let go. Noticing how connected I feel to certain ones, and where I feel indifference, even to a beautiful flower. They guide me to tend… do they need more water? sunlight? to be weeded or cut? As the larger bouquets begin to wither, I often pluck the few thriving flowers out and place them in a smaller container, which instantly brings me more joy of extending their life. I think the beauty of nature is meant to make us feel something, to evoke a certain spirit within.
Real time with Ava. Being back home after 3 years of caregiving I am realizing just how much of my time was spent tending to things outside of my relationship with my daughter. She was there, doing life alongside me, yet our time to deeply connect and homeschool the way I always desired was not happening. I’m not sure I fully exhaled in that 3 year span to be honest. Now I have the time and space to create engaging + creative lessons with her. Ones that I am excited to learn alongside her. I am noticing her responding differently in her desire to learn. It’s like a whole new relationship connection is opening up right now. Also, I am watching her grow in so many big girl ways, and I am exploring her taste in colors, music + desires and it is tapping me into my own inner child in such magical ways.
Community forming. This has been such an inspiring new chapter for my life. There was a part of me that was so hesitant to move back to Bandera for many reasons. One being my lack of true community here. Living here before I would go weeks without seeing anyone but my child and husband. I had yet to find connections I didn’t feel like I had to mask or perform for in order to be accepted. This is one thing I felt very strongly about changing in this new chapter, and it is unfolding in the most natural of ways. I think there has been something I have attended in one way or another every week since being back b/c of the connections that are forming. And having a gathering of women sitting in circle in my own backyard was a dream come true. I am looking forward to many more of those.
The way I see myself. This might be the most important return of light. I didn’t realize just how much I was being self critical until I was visited by a turkey. I may do another post on that for those of you who missed it on my socials. It was a magnificently unexpected encounter with a wild creature that completely resurrected the way I see myself. Talk about medicine. I some how remembered that I am beautiful, inside and out. All of a sudden I started loving my hair that I have been loathing for months. I began dressing myself in ways that reflected how I was feeling inside. I started taking selfies again, witnessing the light shining in my eyes. I began loving my body again. I began to rebuild my confidence in showing up online and in the real world amongst people. I am finding my voice again in my partnership. I am speaking truth when it needs to be spoken. I am releasing judgements of what I perceive others to being feeling about me. Holy, this was.