2015 WORD OF THE YEAR

Ive been pondering my word of the year for 2015 for a few weeks now.  One of the first words that popped in my head was Root.  But like with everything else I do, I must try out lots of other words to see if they fit better.  The past few days the word ROOT has been clearly showing up for me, giving me perfect confirmation, in perfect timing for the new year.  I got my first real confirmation on the Winter Solstice + New Moon while contemplating the word Root and pulling my cards for the year ahead in the bathtub.  The card I pulled as the 'theme' card for the year was Seed (or The Fool).  To me, the seed felt strongly related to root. 

The last few weeks, I have kind of been on an emotional rollercoaster.  Mostly in a funk though.  Feeling lost, blue, unmotivated.  Just really out sorts with myself, my body, my creativity, my relationships, etc.  You name it, I felt odd about it.  It hit me big time yesterday when after losing some of my favorite jewelry I found myself on the living room floor, doubled over, sobbing.  I thought, God Laura, you are crazy!!!  Who cries over jewelry like this?  I felt like I was being super materialistic.  But these pieces were all handmade, with so much time and love put into them, by people that I love and respect, and knowing that I might not get to wear them anymore genuinely made me sad.  Literally two minutes after my breakdown on the floor, I found my jewelry!  Ha ha.  I had gotten myself so upset for nothing.  It made me take a step back and really feel what I was feeling, and I knew it wasn't about the jewelry so much per say, as it was really more of an underlying state that I have been in.  After the elation of finding the jewelry, within an hour I found myself feeling depressed again.  Something has just felt off. 

This morning I woke up from a dream about a fox, who had befriended me.  Lately I have dreamt about animals like crazy.  Since the new moon I have dreamt about a white horse leading me & James through the woods, a deer licking me when I was alone and scared, a baby panther that I held in my shirt next to my belly while climbing a huge massive tree, and now a fox.  Also a few dreams about rivers.  All signs of feminine energy, kundalini, root, sexual/creative energies, etc.

Last night I was chatting with a dear friend and she reminded me of the texts from Clarissa Pinkola Estes, so I had that on my mind... as I was looking for a cd to play this morning while I drank my coffee, I came across her audio book The Creative Fire.  It has been a while since Ive listened to it, so I popped it in.  I ended up spending the morning listening to all 3 discs, and creating this wall hanging for myself with my word of the year on it.  (every year I intend to make one for myself, but I usually am too busy making them for other people, this year is mine...)

Throughout her cds I found myself completely absorbed, realizing it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  Reminding me deeply of the need to get to the Root of some things in my life.  Also reminding me I am right where I am suppose to be.  I just couldn't place my feelings.  But I am in my own underworld right now.  Things are dormant for a reason.  Everything is okay.  And I will reclaim myself once again.  I also found myself in tears over just about every story she told.  I just felt them all so deeply.  Even ones I didn't personally connect to in this moment, I just FELT them to my core.  ANYONE who is an artist, I highly recommend this audio book.  Do yourself a favor, and go buy it now as a new year's gift to yourself.  You won't regret it.

Another thing that reconfirmed my word was the book I just started reading, The Wild Feminine.  Another suggestion from my friend.  I saw her post about it last week and something in my gut told me to buy it.  Within the first pages I was reading last night while sitting on the couch, the word ROOT popped up about 10-15 times!  It was just meant to be my word.

There are some things that are just far to personal to ever talk about on my blog here, and alot of what revolves around my word is just that.  It will be a deeply personal word to work on throughout the year.  And something I have avoided for far too long.  It's even part of what my dietary changes are all about.  I will be working on this word in the most holistic way I can, from all angles.  Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual...

I woke up this morning after all of these little things clicked together, with a renewed sense for the new year.  24 hours ago, I did not see the silver lining.

Oh, and about the dreamcatcher I made... I'm in love with her.  The tree branch reminded me of a root, which is why I used it.  I added a deer antler tip and an ET crystal, two things that are meaningful to me.  An old medicine bag a friend gifted me, and one of my special turkey feathers.  I am thrilled SHE will be adorning my walls as a daily reminder to go to the ROOT.

Have you chosen a word for the year yet?  I'd love to know what it is and what it means for you if so...

WHEN MOTIVATION IS LOST

My moments on the blog have been sparse this month.  I still feel like I am in such a period of re-evaluation, but right now I am at the place of no movement.  I know this spot will quickly pass, as all do.  I was at the home-stretch of getting my house completely reorganized and decluttered and then I just stopped.  I lost all motivation.  My laundry has sat in a huge pile on the floor by the bay window for two weeks now, just growing and growing.  And I could say that about every other corner of the house too. 

I had a couple day burst of brand new inspiration for my shop, I made so many new pretties, I got the idea to shift my whole shop over to this website here instead of etsy, I rephotographed everything I had in stock + the new stuff, uploaded it all to the site and got ready for a new launch.  I did a test purchase with myself and quickly realized the move I made was not the right one.  The process of getting an order in and shipping it is not nearly as easy as etsy, on top of not being able to connect paypal.  So, now I must put all that work back into my etsy shop for now until a better solution comes along.  It's not that I don't love etsy, it is actually a really great place to sell, I just wanted my own pretty store front right here on my website, to have everything all in one place.  I guess if Squarespace changes a few things, like adding Paypal options, and more streamlined, quick & easy shipping processes then Ill reconsider.  I must say though that my excitement waned a bit about my shop.  I guess after getting pumped for a big fresh new change like that and then just ending up right back where you were, was a little disappointing.  Plus knowing that all that time I spent was almost for nothing.  BUT I am just in need of a little change in attitude... Brush it off, pick myself back up, and move forward.  Maybe some things are just better left as they are.  I will still be changing the way I work and for the time being only offering items that are ready made, one a time. 

Another new point of change, I cut my hair two days ago!  It was dark by the time we got home so all I have is a quick harshly lit bathroom selfie.  But I am loving it!  We cut about 6-7 inches off and it feels so healthy, and THICK for the first time in my life!  I don't normally cut my hair 'blunt' and I have really thin fine hair, so this cut makes it really feel thick and full and healthy.  And now it doesn't turn into a rat's nest when I wake up in the morning, ha ha! 

I know alot of the changes I have made over the past few months are pretty simple.  De-cluttering my home.  Changing my diet.  Cutting my hair.  Changing my website.  Re-thinking how I create my jewelry & what I offer.  But I hope with time and dedication that all of these little changes add up to create a brand new - bad ass year in 2015.  I feel like my life shifted, cracked open, is letting the bad stuff fall through the cracks, and opening me up for new good things to come in.  Who knows, maybe one of those things will be mini sized ;)

THIS TIME OF YEAR

Each year I think enough time has passed by, or enough inner growth has occurred, that come fall time I will feel free as a bird emotionally.  It is my favorite time of year, hands down.  I love the way the earth looks during Autumn, the colors on the trees, the fallen leaves, the fields of golds and browns.  The not too hot or not too cold weather.  The feeling in the air...

But at some point, usually around Halloween, a wave of sadness hits me.  I know alot of it is simply missing my parents.  But it feels deeper than that.  It's like my body begins a process of going within and evaluating myself from the past year.  My heart strings begin to pull over the past, people I can no longer talk to or touch, even people I have been.  Old wounds begin to surface, letting me know I have not quite finished my business with them.  Layers of myself begin to unpeel, and there are days I don't recognize the girl in the mirror. 

This year has been no different.  A month ago is when it started, though this time it looked more like a mini break down than depression.  Or maybe breakdown is not the word... but the feeling of life slapping you in the face while screaming at you, WAKE UP!  Changes need to be made.  Old wounds need to leave your body.  Bad habits need to be stopped.  Your perspective needs some re-evaluating.  Something is about to SHIFT. 

The biggest message I got this time was to clear my home in order to clear my self inside.  Start with my surroundings, and by doing so, I would begin to clear from within.  I must say, in many ways it has been true.  I guess b/c really taking time to clean deep gives you lots of time within yourself to think without distracting yourself with emails, work and to-do lists.  It's been a slow process.  It's taken me a whole month to clean out my house and I'm still only half way done. 

I think my biggest shift this year has been the allowing.  Usually when I start to feel this way I want to do whatever I can to run the other way.  I submerse myself in work which is never hard with the holiday season.  I think Ive been submersing myself in work for years now... One because I love what I do, yes, but also b/c it can easily be a distraction from self.  This year work is the last thing on my mind, except that I do have to keep at it for bills... but I'm not mentally exhausting myself with details of it. 

There are parts of myself that feel like a broken record at times.  I'm so ready for that needle to lift and skip to the next beautiful song.

DIVING INTO A DEVOTION OF GRATITUDE

I have permission to be quiet and still
to lay vertical on the earth below
allowing the song birds to sing me
into sweet reverie.

Swirling, I begin to dance
Flushed cheeks covered in thought kisses
from others I've tucked away
for moments like these.

I fall to my knees thanking him
for the hurt I allowed him to bring me,
and her, for the behind the back slurs.
I weave them into the blanket of lessons
I wrap around my bones,
giving myself comfort of the golden jewels
that were only wearing the masks of misfortune.

I choose Thanksgiving.

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A moment from my heart, prompted by Liberated Lines.  Join the movement here.  #liberatedlines

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