I have been home for a week already from my vacation with my family, but it only feels like Ive been home for about two days. It's strange how the days have run together lately. As soon as I got home we had just under two days left to get every last thing we wanted from my parents house before handing it over to the new owners. There really wasn't much left at that point besides a few old boards, some rocks and a chair. I think it felt way more overwhelming than it was b/c I knew I was saying my final goodbye. I feel like Ive been saying goodbye for 4 years now. Really, more like 7 1/2 years, since my mom has been gone. Its been a slow, painful journey of letting go. So many choices along the way that define my future. All having to be made without my parents here helping me along. I still hope I made the right choice. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders since it sold on my birthday 5 days ago. And at the same time, an inevitable emptiness.
Ive immersed myself in a huge studio renovation. Which may really be me running away. I'm still not sure. But it's giving me something to focus on and the gift of excitement, of a new start and a fresh face to my sacred space of creation, which has not felt all that sacred for a long time from its over cluttered pile of messes. Selling this house on my birthday, felt like a birthday gift from my parents, so I'm looking at it as a big gift from them to be able to do this. It's strange, b/c I keep having feelings of guilt along with this renovation. I have always just used what I have, or have been handed down. There is not much in my entire house that is not used, thrifted, given or what not. Only a few pieces of furniture have we bought new. Which I truly love. And now that I have the opportunity to create a new space from the ground up, I'm learning about my relationship to money and guilt. I am really looking forward to this new space though. Right now my studio is over run with beads and trinkets for my jewelry making. I have figured out a new layout to be able to store them all away and still have them easily accessible, so now I can split my studio between jewelry design and magazine design. Before my studio was the LAST place I would go to work on my magazine b/c it was so cluttered I couldn't think straight. I'm truly excited to have a space I can go to that will feel inspiring for this work that I'm doing.
With everything that was going on this week, and saying goodbye to my parents house on my birthday, my plans for getting together with friends did not happen. Even though it may be a few weeks down the road, I'm still going to plan a get together. Right now I feel drained and a bit overwhelmed. My studio is currently a wreck from going through everything in there, my house needs cleaned, I have not been taking care of myself or eating properly and I'm really starting to feel it, it's my moontime, and I have a million commitments that I feel I'm failing on right now, and I haven't even brushed my teeth for the past two days (how's that for honesty?) The month of June seems like it just flew by and I have no clue where it went!!!
*BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT*
Just typing this makes me realize that I need to do some deep breathing, some stretching and probably some dancing. I need to shake it out! Life is funny sometimes, how you can feel so many feelings all at once. Sadness. Excitement. Empty. Relieved. Guilt. Grateful. Etc. It's all part of letting go.
