HONORING, REMEMBERING, LEAVING & LOVING

Yesterday was my mama's birthday.  It would of been her big 60th.  Kind of weird to think about it.  I would have loved to see her grow into a wise old woman.  I can only imagine how her spirit would of grown through the years. 

I started the day with some time spent in my tee pee in the beautiful morning light while the grass was still dewy.  I made a little alter with her photo, snipped some lavender for her, and placed my teepee crystals around it.  As I was having a conversation with her I look down and a few inches in front of the altar I found this little silver feather charm.  I have no clue where it came from b/c its not one of the styles I ever bought for my jewelry line.  And I don't remember ever having a piece of jewelry with it on it.  But now I will!  I'm going to make myself a little something special with it to remember this day.

Saturday we had plans to go out to my parents house to spend some time there and start saying our goodbyes since it might sell soon.  We originally tried to get friends and family out there to have a goodbye party, but it just did not work out with anyone, so we cancelled.  By the time saturday rolled around I was just having a really hard day and did not feel like being around anyone.  So instead, my brother and I decided to go out there on sunday, just us, his son, and James.  I'm so glad it turned out the way it did.  It was a really nice day, and it was my Mama's birthday, so it was extra special.  We took a long walk through the woods together, we spread my dad's ashes, and I took it all in...

Since we recently had a flood, the pond that has been dry for ages out there is now completely full and so beautiful.  We walked down by it to spread some of my dad's ashes to find that one of the swan's had returned.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I just know it was a sign from my mom.  She loved those swans so much and its been so many years since they have been out there due to the drought.  It was an amazing and touching thing to witness on this day.  I didn't have my real camera with me, so the photo above was the best shot I could get.  I'm going to try to get out there and take more soon. 

Aiden was so sweet helping us spread my dad's ashes.  We put some in the garden, in the fire pit, and in the pond.  I was so glad he was there with us to be a part of it.  Even though he doesn't remember his grandparents, he knows of them, and will always have our stories.

Our friend gave us some flowers to take out there with us, which was such a sweet gesture.  We left some of them on top of dad's ashes in the fire pit.  The rest I took home and made a garland for my window to keep.

During our time out there I had many little encounters with beautiful animal medicine that was very fitting... The swan for one.  Butterflies + Dragonflies. And I found a snake skeleton.  I have never seen one before, and it was such a cool find. 

The part of the day had to be when my brother and Aiden came to our house and Aiden got to meet Banjo.  He fell in love with him so hard.  He completely wore my cat out!  Ha ha.  He had so much fun with him and he just kept saying over and over how much he loved Banjo.  Although he asked if he could name him Tickles, ha ha.

I can't think of anything my mother would of wanted more for her birthday then to see her kids hanging out together and enjoying each other.  xo

THREADS // JUMPER LOVE + LETTING GO

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OUTFIT DETAILS: jumper - dolkii // swimsuit top - swim outlet // hat - free people // sandals - blowfish shoes // necklace - spiral drift // rings - chromafusion + bella & chloe + arrok + shannon noelke metal arts

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This might be one of my alltime favorite outfits!  I wore this to the Kerrville Folk Festival last weekend with my bestie to see David Crosby.  I'm pretty much obsessed with this jumper.  It is the coziest thing ever.  I have a huge love for jumpers, but find myself not wearing them out much b/c its such a freakin' hassle to pee.  Truth.  But this one has such cozy wide legs, there is no need to strip all the way down just to pee.  Just fyi for all those ladies out there who have the same thoughts about jumpers.  Just keeping it real here. 

Man last weekend was so good.  I know I already talked about it so I won't go into it again.  But what a great weekend.  My spirits really needed the time out, and out of the house!

This week is intense.  We are under contract with someone to buy my folks house, and if all goes well, it may be gone by my birthday (the 25th).  I leave on vacation in one week and return right when all the action will happen.  So I literally just have this week to say my goodbyes.  For good.  Forever.  Shit is getting real.  This has been a super long process and journey of letting go.  A deep emotional rollercoaster.  We are going to spend some time out there today gathering rocks and walking the woods.  And saturday we are going to have an intimate camfire with my brother, and spread my dad's ashes on the property. 

Speaking of my dad, I had the best dream about him last night.  I think he is with me this week as I travel through this process.  It took place at my parent's home.  There was going to be a going away party, for my mom.  My dad was still alive and the house was completely furnished like he was still living there.  When I showed up there was people everywhere that I knew, and people from my childhood that I couldn't remember.  I was looking everywhere for my dad but I couldn't find him anywhere.  I started looking around the house and noticed that everything was super clean and picked up, the bed was even made.  I felt something was wrong (my dad never picked up after himself, my mom always kept their place clean).  I thought to myself, oh my god, he cleaned the house for me so I wouldn't have to and he killed himself.  I panicked going around the place trying to find him.  I kept touching people from behind thinking it was him, only for them to turn around and be somebody else.  Finally when I had all but given up and realized he was gone, I saw him standing in line in the kitchen waiting for food and talking to people.  I went over to him and he smiled and I hugged him with relief that he was alive.  Then I felt an immense need to just really hug him.  Like squeeze him.  I put whatever I was holding down and we hugged each other.  Then we fell to the ground together, still hugging and just sat up against the kitchen island embracing each other.  I put my head on his shoulder and just soaked it it.  He told me that he loved me about three times, and I told him back.  It was the most sincere, warm, heartfelt embrace I had ever felt from him.  I noticed too that his whole chest had crystals all over it, like amethyst and others.  And we just embraced, and then I woke up.  I did not want to open my eyes this morning upon waking.  I just wanted to stay there in that embrace.  In real life my dad was not super affectionate.  I knew he loved me, but he did not grow up with warm embraces, and he didn't know how to give them himself.  He showed his love in other ways.  So this embrace in my dream felt so good. 

This dream couldn't of come at a better time with all the I will have to face over the next few weeks.  Usually come June I am so excited b/c it's my birthday month (yes I still get excited like a little kid).  But I didn't ever realize until yesterday that it is only 15 days away, 14 now.  And with everything going on it will be here and gone before I know it.  It's weird to think I may be signing my parents home over to someone else on my birthday.  But in a way, that will be a huge gift in itself.  Just in ways I don't know yet.  The whole idea of letting their home go, in exchange to build my dreams in the future, is one of the unknown.  I don't know what it looks like yet.  So I can only hold the dream that it will be beautiful, and worth the letting go.  What a process.  My little human heart feels like its been wrung out some days. 

PIECES OF HOME // Animal Edition

2015 FLOOD

This week has been intense for those of us living in Texas.  Many areas have suffered from severe flooding, including my little dream town I want to move to one day, Wimberley.  More than 350 homes and businesses were flooded or wash completely away, and about a dozen people lost their lives.  The storm in continuing to bring its downfall throughout the east and beyond Texas.  So much of it happened so quickly there was no time to prepare.  Flash flooding is no joke!  I can't even imagine how scary it must of been for those who were swept away down the river in their homes, with furniture and what-not swirling around with them.  A few were lucky enough to be rescued, but others weren't so lucky, including children.  It breaks my heart. 

The house that we were going to stay at on vacation this weekend was swept away.  The family who was vacationing there had to be rescued off the roof!  That could of easily been us.  My family decided to go vacation somewhere else this weekend and I opted to stay home.  This week shook me up enough to not take any chances.  James and I got flooded out of the road to get back home on Saturday night.  Luckily we had wonderful friends we could stay with in town who took such good care of us, but it hit us hard.  The rain was not expected to stop all week and we were worried sick we wouldn't make it home to our animals, including our new kitten who was in a room all alone with only a single serving of food.  It poured and thundered all night and we did not sleep much at all that night.  Luckily the sun came out the next day and one of our low water crossings cleared up enough for them to let cars through.  Our other two crossings are still flooded with water 5 days later.  It happened so fast too... My bestie and I were on our way to Kerrville to see Emmylou Harris play at the folk festival.  It was pouring down rain on our way so we decided to turn around and hang out in Bandera for about an hour to see if things would change.  Neither of us thought it was flooding, and nobody at the wine bar seemed worried either.  I called James to come get me, and by the time he came the roads were already covered in water.  The 10 minutes it took to get back from town to our road, both ways home were completely flooded out and not drivable.  10 minutes.  That's all it took. 

The photos above are from the river by our house a few days after the flood.  The water had already gone down significantly.  The root in my teepee in the bottom photo I found in the debri.  There were roots everywhere. 

My heart goes out to everyone affected by the flood, and everyone is is still yet to be affected.  More storms may come through and the ground is already so saturated that it will flood alot easier the second time around.  Big Big prayers all around.